Новости за 29.04.2024

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that it was their only option amid the rampant protests that had erupted on campus, Columbia University announced Monday that it had given students the option to finish classes from prison. “Given the current political turmoil and the many safety hazards it poses, all current students will be…

WASHINGTON—Saying they’d learned a lot about her life and the adversities she’d faced over the years, the nation’s white women announced Monday that they had a new perspective on socialite and media personality Paris Hilton. “After many difficult, arduous hours spent reflecting on our own deeply held biases and…

NEW HAVEN, CT—Saying the singer-songwriter clearly had ulterior motives when she made The Tortured Poets Department, local Taylor Swift fan Fiona Johnson told reporters Monday the artist had purposefully released a big dud as a commentary on the music industry. “Although at first glance, it looks as though Taylor…

FINDLAY, OH—Expressing frustration with the pressures of working in an underfunded public high school, local teacher Jason Corgenne told reporters Monday that he was forced to pay out of pocket just so his students could have access to the emergency contraception drug Plan B. “If we don’t have morning-after pills in…

WASHINGTON—Calling the effort a major step forward in accommodating the needs of allergic citizens, President Joe Biden announced Monday his plan to set aside all land west of the Mississippi River as a gluten-free zone. “Today, my administration is taking immediate action to purge this grain-based scourge from…

NEW YORK—Earning widespread praise from adult viewers, a new episode of the animated children’s TV series Bluey tackled the difficult subject of walking in on your parents during their scheduled weekly sex, sources confirmed Monday. “We watch Bluey every week as a family, and I tell you, when Bandit sat Bluey down to…

In response to growing antiwar protests at American universities, including Columbia, Yale, and MIT, some outspoken critics have demanded the U.S. military take action. The Onion asked Americans why they believe the National Guard should be called on students, and this is what they said.