TheOnion.com

VILLENA, SPAIN—Shrugging off the notion that it required any special talent or discipline to become the youngest player in history to complete the career Grand Slam, 22-year-old tennis superstar Carlos Alcaraz credited his massive success in the sport Tuesday to the fact that tennis is the easiest game in the world. “All you need to […]

As the first supreme pontiff from the United States, Pope Leo XIV has balanced anti-war and climate advocacy with tending to the diverse spiritual needs of the Catholic Church’s 1.4 billion followers. The Onion sat down with the bishop of Rome so he could lay out his vision for the church in the 21st century. […]

SILVER SPRING, MD—Revealing plans to lift all unnecessary regulations surrounding the use of lab-developed amino acid chains, the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that it had loosened restrictions on dousing children with synthetic peptides until something happens. “If you dunk your kids in enough artificial peptides, something cool will eventually take place,” said agency […]

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The bride and groom’s golden retriever served as their ring bearer, which was a real fuck-you to their two young children.

I’m not your average girl. Sure, I wear makeup, jewelry, and dresses, but don’t let my feminine exterior fool you: I like to drink beer. I love sports. And I can hang with the boys, even when things get a little rough and rowdy. That’s because when I was younger, I had no other choice. […]

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WASHINGTON—Calling the snazzy battle garments the most substantial advancement in boogie-woogie warfare in 85 years, Pentagon officials confirmed Friday that development on the U.S. military’s highly specialized tactical zoot suit had been completed. “These combat zoot suits with high waists and oversized jackets are key to keeping our troops safe and jazzy on the battlefield,” said […]

WABASH, IN—Emphasizing that her son’s young age had never stopped him from pursuing his dreams, local mother Hannah Butler celebrated Monday when her 12-year-old was accepted into the worst college imaginable. “After years of hard work and skipping several grades, we are so proud that our son will be attending Duane McAskill University [an unaccredited […]