Новости за 11.01.2024

SOUTH BEND, IN—Concluding from the name of the product that the wool had long been pulled over their eyes, astute consumers reported Thursday that the appearance of new Cheez-It Extra Cheesy crackers served as a tacit acknowledgment that the manufacturer could have been making the snack cheesier all along. “If this…

FOXBOROUGH, MA—While paying tribute to the departing coach’s 24 seasons and six titles, New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft assured fans Thursday that the team was already searching through insane asylums for a possible Bill Belichick replacement. “Look, nobody is ever going to fill the hole that Bill’s leaving…

Pat McAfee announced that Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers will no longer appear as a weekly guest on his ESPN talk show following statements by Rodgers that late-night host Jimmy Kimmel is linked to convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, which caused Kimmel to threaten to sue. What do you think?

TAPETHOK, NEPAL—Beaming with delight as he was carried down the south face of the Kangchenjunga mountain in a torrent of snow, ice, and rocks, alpinist Herman Stelling reportedly noted Thursday that the first few seconds of being swept up in a cataclysmic avalanche was actually pretty fun. “Weeeeeeeee! Yay!” said the…

FAIRFAX COUNTY, VA—Emphasizing that the void left by outgoing CEO Wayne LaPierre would be difficult to fill, the National Rifle Association announced Thursday that it had narrowed its search for new leadership with a round of Russian roulette. “After an exhaustive search, we’ve honed in on the best candidates by…

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OMAHA, NE—Standing tall as they proclaimed their ignorance and confusion, citizens of the nation’s midsize cities announced Thursday that they have no idea who their mayor is.

Many believe that a once-strong military composed of straight white men has become weak due to a liberal obsession with inclusion. The Onion asked Americans to explain why the U.S. military is too woke, and this is what they said.

OMAHA, NE—Standing tall as they proclaimed their ignorance and confusion, citizens of the nation’s midsize cities announced Thursday that they have no idea who their mayor is. “Let me guess: Is it Pete Buttigieg?” said Kevin Warder, spokesperson for a coalition that represents hopelessly clueless residents of…

NEW YORK—In a major milestone for the field of longevity medicine, researchers at Columbia University’s Robert N. Butler Aging Center predicted Thursday that the first person to live to 150 years old was already out there, stalking the night and preying on young souls for their life force. “What’s remarkable is…

According to a new study published in Proceedings Of The National Academy of Sciences, an average liter of bottled water contains roughly 240,000 detectable plastic particles including nanoplastics less than one micrometer in size, almost 100 times more than previously estimated. What do you think?

MOUNT PROSPECT, IL—Picking up the waiting room periodical with a pained look on her face, local dentist Dr. Leigh Grace reported feeling hurt Thursday that someone would deface the teeth of a magazine cover model here, in her office, of all places. “What kind of sick person would do this at a dental practice, a place…

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