Penelope decides it is time for a main-character glow-up.
What good news, friends: Our esteemed lords and ladies have fled their country estates and returned to London all revved up to get their marriage mart on. They are, as we are well aware, revved up to get other things on, too, but this is the beginning of the season and everyone has to keep up appearances, you get it. Regardless — Bridgerton is back, baby!
We are about to embark on our third season of your favorite sort-of-Regency-era romance, so you know the drill by now: Every season of Bridgerton (and season within Bridgerton, as it were) focuses on a new Bridgerton sibling’s love story. Up on the quite lush chopping block in season three is, appropriately, sibling No. 3, traveling ding-dong Colin. Unlike previous seasons, however, his love interest isn’t some gorgeous stranger who comes barreling into his life, upending it forever. Instead, Colin is set to fall for a gorgeous familiar face who comes barreling into his life, upending it forever — yup, it’s neighbor, friend, secretly the bitchiest gossipmonger in Mayfair, Penelope Featherington. As a die-hard fan of these two in novel form — Colin and Pen’s book, Romancing Mister Bridgerton, is the fourth in Julia Quinn’s novel series — I am honored, thrilled, and very flushed, if I’m being honest, to say that #Polin season is finally upon us.
Every season of Bridgerton not only has a different main couple but also seems to have a different overall vibe to the proceedings. Season one, Daphne and Simon: horny! Also, questionable decision-making from a multitude of parties. Season two, Anthony and Kate: yearning. And that one shot when Anthony makes direct eye contact with Kate from between her legs. You know the one, babe. YOU KNOW THE ONE. So what, pray tell, awaits us as far as vibes for Colin and Pen? Since we’re getting a tried-and-true friends-to-lovers romance trope here, I imagine it’ll have a real “When you finally see what’s been in front of you this whole time” feel to it, mixed with a little “Oh my God if you do not tell her how you really feel I will punch you right in the gut” kind of energy. Anyway, time will tell, right?
At the moment, we’re simply getting everyone into their places to make that inevitable leap from the friends to the lovers. And it definitely does require a little setting up, since, as you may recall, we last left Penelope and Colin in a bad spot.
Pen was over the moon that her unrequited love had not only defended her family’s honor when Colin confronted Cousin Jack Featherington about his fraudulent ruby-mines scheme, but then to celebrate took to the dance floor with her — in front of everyone. Remember that giggly face she had just thinking about the turn of events? Well, it was short-lived: Later, she overhears Colin laughing about Penelope with his friends. He would never, ever even consider courting Penelope Featherington. It’s mean, and it stings, and like any good writer, Pen uses that anger to fuel Lady Whistledown.
When the Featheringtons return to London with the rest of the ’ton in our season premiere, the gossip business is booming. People still can’t get enough of their favorite gossip sheet. While she’s thrilled to see all of Mayfair rapt in what she has to say, the rest of Penelope’s life at the moment is, well, not so great. Her family remains the truest of dumpster fires. Both of her older sisters are now married and somehow meaner and dumber than ever. Portia has dealt with all the Jack and financial-ruin stuff by creating a story about a spinster aunt leaving them a fortune (the money, you’ll remember, is money Jack scammed from members of the ’ton, that Portia then took from him before kicking him to the curb) and a forged document saying Jack leaves the estate to the first son of one of the Featherington girls. When a lawyer comes sniffing around about the validity of this document, Portia is hyperfocused on her oldest daughters getting knocked up. She has very little time to bother with her youngest daughter except to remind her how great it is that spinster Penelope will be able to take care of her in her old age. Truly horrifying.
On top of the family situation and the Colin situation, there is, of course, the Eloise situation. After Penelope and Eloise’s blowout fight upon Eloise discovering that Penelope is Lady Whistledown, which ended with Eloise telling Penelope that she never wants to see her again, the two haven’t spoken. Worse yet, while Pen was giving Eloise some space, Eloise made a new best friend in … Cressida Cowper. It’s true: Of all the wildly tight-haired women in all the bon tons, it had to be Cressida Cowper. And they’re not just kind of friends — they’re “let’s walk arm-in-arm and be in one another’s confidences” type friends. I mean, Eloise is wearing dresses that are on trend and reading, wait for it, Jane Austen novels. I love Austen (no surprise, let’s be real), but for Eloise, we all know that is a cry for help. She has a great line in this episode about her new outlook after being nearly ruined by Whistledown last season (who we know that she knows is actually her best friend; it is very layered!!): “I lost the battle and I have no appetite for the war, so I’ve joined the winning side.” That is bleak, friends.
Penelope isn’t privy to any of these complexities, though, because the few times the ex-friends run into each other, Eloise either ignores her or is seething with white-hot rage over everything Pen has written about the Bridgertons. Penelope, for as observant as she claims to be, also misses what is obvious to us — Eloise still loves her friend very, very much. It’s why she’s constantly stepping in to try and stop Cressida from partaking in her favorite pastime — bullying Penelope. Season three is Pen and Colin’s love story, of course, but it also has to be Eloise and Pen’s love story too, okay? Get these gal pals back together or we ride at dawn.
So, her family sucks, Colin is a dick, and Eloise has written her off — Penelope is completely alone. She’ll have to rely on herself to get through this social season. So that’s exactly what she attempts to do.
Pen realizes that if she doesn’t get a husband, she’ll be left living under the thumb of her mother or, worse, whichever one of her sisters has a son first. Fueled by that knowledge and watching Colin Bridgerton saunter back into Mayfair and immediately become the talk of the town with easy charm and, as Benedict calls it, his newfound “sturdiness,” Penelope decides it is time for a main-character glow-up of her own.
While Penelope’s busy learning about complementary colors and what contouring is, can we talk about Colin for a hot second? Colin returns from months abroad and immediately gets all the girls in a tizzy. Like, every woman he walks by in his pirate-core leather duster gets halfway to orgasm. It is wild. You can see what Bridgerton is doing by giving us full chest within six minutes of the first episode: It’s trying to make us buy that the goofy little brother who made some horrendous decisions of the heart, head, and wallet varieties is now leading-man material. To be honest, I’m not buying it at first. It feels a little like smoldering-man cosplay. He’s winking at women now? And he says things like “You are all flowers in bloom” with a straight face? If a man ever comes up to you and your friends and says this, please leave. Right away. Leave your bag, your coat, whatever, you don’t need them that badly. He’s honestly at his most likable and, ultimately, hottest when he’s himself around Pen. Sure, she’s giving him the cold shoulder during their first run-in at the queen’s garden party, but Colin being confused about women’s feelings is him in his truest form, and what is hotter than authenticity? Also endearing? The way he’s genuinely concerned when he learns that Eloise and Pen have split. He thought he was the only one that had changed during his months away, but he quickly learns that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Now, Pen’s glow-up? That’s a glow-up that works. She looks hot as hell when she walks into Lady Danbury’s ball. It doesn’t hurt that she does a killer cape reveal set to the tune of a Bridgerton-ized “abdcefu” because, seriously, f them. And their moms. And Pen’s mom!! Alas, Pen learns that a great dress and a new hairstyle don’t miraculously change everything. She gets some major attention, but she is still shy, awkward Penelope Featherington when she’s finally approached by suitors. The team behind Bridgerton, including new showrunner Jess Brownell, has said that this season “is for the wallflowers,” but I also think it’s “for the writers.” How many writers out there are killers on paper and absolute shitshows in conversation? A lot! Or, you can be like me: mediocre both on paper and in conversation. Listen, we’re all trying our best, just like Penelope! By the time Cressida embarrasses her by stepping on her gown in front of a man with some real potential, Lord Debling, she’s had enough of trying. She rushes off on the verge of tears.
Colin sees this and follows her outside. He’s there to make sure his friend is okay; she finally rips into him. Pen tells him how she heard what he said about her last season, how she knows he’s embarrassed to be seen with her, how she never thought he, of all people, “could be so cruel.” She is the laughingstock of the ’ton, she says, and then she’s off. It’s gutting — and you can see Colin is torn up realizing he’s caused her so much pain.
He pays her a visit the next day and apologizes for what he said. He’s a different person now, he assures her, and moreover, he’s never been ashamed of her. He seeks her out at any gathering, he tells her: “I know you will lift my spirits and make me see the world in ways I could not have imagined. You are clever and warm and I am proud to call you my very good friend.” Less winking, more of this, Colin!
Penelope opens up about how frustrating it is to fail so horribly at the marriage-mart thing when it comes so naturally to others, like Colin. She feels helpless in her pursuit of a husband. Well, Colin has an idea: Let’s My Fair Lady this bitch. He doesn’t say that exactly, but basically. He’s going to give her husband-hunting lessons (in secret) and teach her how to be irresistibly charming. They even shake on it. They are friends, after all. Aren’t they?
It’s only after Colin leaves and the latest Whistledown sheet arrives that Penelope remembers she actually tore this guy a new one in her writing last night after she left the Danbury ball. It’s all about how Colin Bridgerton got a personality transplant and it’s all for show. He’s a phony and he doesn’t even realize it. It’s nothing reputation-damaging, but it is pretty mean. It’s Eloise who shows her brother what’s been written — in yet another moment where she subtly reveals that she is not only trying to protect her brother but also Penelope. Colin actually doesn’t care what Whistledown has to say about it, but reading this only reminds him how much he loathes that woman. After what she did to Marina and then to Eloise? “I’ll never forgive her,” he tells Eloise, internally horrified for Pen. She double-checks that he has no idea who she is, and Colin doesn’t, but he turns to her, full of rage, and says, “If I ever find out, I will make sure that it is her life that is ruined.” Oh, wow, that’s going to be so, so awkward. On the plus side: Colin has never been hotter than in this moment. I finally buy it — that’s our leading man right there.
Ink Stains
• In regards to the books, I’m constantly debating whether my No. 1 is Romancing Mister Bridgerton or Francesca’s story, When He Was Wicked. So, yes, I was pretty thrilled to learn that Francesca was going to have a much larger role in this season. Her story feels a little different from the rest of the Bridgerton romances, and I’m glad to see the show setting it up so early. Fran rules!
• We’ll get more into Francesca next time, but as she makes her debut in front of the queen here, know that she is the biggest introvert of the Bridgerton bunch; she would marry her pianoforte if at all possible; and she is confronting the marriage mart with alarming practicality. Well, alarming for Violet, who might be the biggest romantic of all? Violet wants her daughter to be open to finding love. Francesca constantly reminds her that not everyone can have what Violet had (except for Daphne and Anthony, and eventually Colin, etc.).
• Queen Charlotte seems very unenthusiastic about this crop of debutantes, and most things, really. The only time she perks up is when Whistledown calls her out in her final gossip sheet of the episode. Game on, Lady W.
• The Mondriches already have a better story line than last season: Alice’s great-aunt dies and makes their young son Nicholas the next Baron of Kent. Somebody’s officially joining the ’ton!
• Kanthony lives! The newly married Viscount and Viscountess Bridgerton are back from their honeymoon in body, but not in spirit. They’re happy to show off how in love they are at the Danbury ball — that cute surprise kiss on the dance floor? Anthony remains so swoony — but Viscount and Viscountess work is for the birds! These two wanna fuck. Kate suggests extending their honeymoon just a little bit longer, and off they go!
• Holy hell, Anthony loves going down on his wife. He is a giver, and I love that for him, for Kate, and for us.
