DEAR DEIDRE: WE have incredible sex but my partner makes it clear that metal detecting, his friends, job and love of horse racing will always all come before me.
We’re in our early forties and have been together for more than ten years.
Sex with him is by far the best I’ve ever had and he’s so attentive when we’re in bed together, but as soon as the intimacy is over he makes me feel invisible.
He is obsessed with metal detecting and spends hours researching the latest finds, detectors and new areas to search.
Then there are his other interests which take over as soon as sex is finished.
He hardly looks at me, talks to me, or listens to me unless we are in the throes of passion.
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Whenever I’ve tried to explain how this upsets me, he bluntly states that he will never change and that I’m crazy, or overthinking things.
I love him but being with him makes me feel lonely.
I don’t want to waste any more time on a relationship with someone who believes I’m the issue rather than take responsibility.
The sex is amazing and I don’t feel attracted to anyone else, but I don’t know if I can continue this relationship.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds as if he is emotionally stunted. He can’t accept he’s doing anything wrong, so blames you.
Because you experience an incredible connection in those passionate moments, you are holding on to the belief that he will change and show that level of attention to you outside the bedroom.
Try to find a calm time when he isn’t distracted by one of his hobbies, and explain how his behaviour affects you.
If he refuses to even acknowledge the situation or consider any changes, you’d do well to think about moving on.
Don’t confuse sexual chemistry or lust with real love.
This man throws you crumbs of sexual attention when it suits him.
Unless he agrees to some compromises – for example regular meals where you catch up, talk and listen to one another – it’d be good to see this for what it is, just convenient booty calls.
My support pack Love Or Lust? will help you.
