JUST two episodes into ITV’s new political thriller Red Eye and it’s already mired in “What the hell’s going on?” territory.
That point in every three-out-of-ten drama where the entire production’s lost the plot, especially the writer, so the cast just charge around shouting variations of the same question.
“What the hell’s going on?”
Not a question I feel fully qualified to answer, despite watching all six episodes on ITVX.
The bare bones of it, however, is that Richard Armitage’s character Dr Matthew Nolan has fled China, after being framed for a murder, then been put straight back on a Beijing-bound plane that’s so impossibly huge it must have defied all known science, like the bumblebee, to get airborne.
With him is a woke-as-hell Met officer, DC Li, and three medical colleagues who start getting murdered one by one at the hands of some s**thouse who’s hiding in the baggage hold and is assumed to be working on behalf of the Chinese government.
Hijack but has succeeded only in capturing the desperate cliches of Airplane, without any of the punchlines or magic.
It’s a familiar set-up that’s designed to recreate the formula of Idris Elba’s hit Hijack but has succeeded only in capturing the desperate cliches of Airplane, without any of the punchlines or magic, let alone a budget that could stretch to a third airline steward for the poor sods in economy.
My thoughts, in these trying circumstances, are mostly with viewers.
I’m not entirely without sympathy, though, for Richard Armitage, who visibly withered when his character was arrested at Heathrow and told: “Don’t cause a scene.”
The least necessary stage direction in history. For, truth be told, I don’t think Richard could cause a scene here if you threw in a pregnant wife, three wise men and a little donkey.
Nor could any of this cast, except Lesley Sharp, who’s slumming as the head of MI5, Delaney, and having it off with some unlikely young buck from the CIA, called Mike Maxwell.
Ill-equipped as he is, though, there is something superhuman about Richard’s character Nolan, who starts guzzling his way through the drinks trolley as soon as the plane takes off, yet is still capable of performing an autopsy every half an hour or so and never once goes for a leak.
Faced with such a slog and to stave off deep vein thrombosis, I normally play ‘guess the next line’, but it’s too easy with a stale old fartbox of a drama like Red Eye
The man has a bladder of titanium and the charisma of the in-flight safety instructions, which makes it hard to give a toss about anything that happens on Flight 357, no matter how far-fetched it gets.
Faced with such a slog and to stave off deep vein thrombosis, I normally play “guess the next line”, but it’s too easy with a stale old fartbox of a drama like Red Eye.
“I’m doing my job . . .
(I suggest you do the same?)
“ . . . I suggest you do the same.”
The second option here is normally “guess the villain” but that’s also been ruined by the rules of woke drama which dictate that British and American men are responsible for all the evils in the history of the world.
So I’d guessed who was doing the killing, some time before the big reveal.
Already at the end of my tether, then, by episode three I started trying to work out how ITV’s drama department could ever have made something as good as Mr Bates Vs The Post Office — and quickly came to the conclusion it was a complete fluke, an aberration, a blip.
I also started to think the network should stick to real-life dramas, because when it tries to use its imagination, it swiftly becomes clear ITV doesn’t actually have one and you end up with garbage like Red Eye, which might have droned on indefinitely if Delaney hadn’t been struck by a thunderous idea during episode five.
Nearly ten hours and four murders after the flight of death set off, she finally realised it might be an idea if the plane returned to Britain.
Five minutes later, it was back, the Prime Minister was on the line to the spooks and I don’t even need to tell you what she shouted, do I?
No.
“What the f***’s going on?”
OVER three grindingly smug episodes this week, Channel 4’s Death Of A Reality Star tried offering woke redemption to the makers of Sky’s infamous 2004 dating show There’s Something About Miriam.
The big reveal there, of course, involved telling the six male contestants they’d secretly been kissing and competing to win a date with a trans model called Miriam Rivera.
All hell broke loose as a result, the lads sued the show, Miriam vanished into obscurity and would’ve remained there, if the poor, tortured soul hadn’t committed suicide in 2019.
At which point, Channel 4, who tried a similar concealment trick with Nadia Almada on Big Brother’s 2004 run, saw an opportunity to reclaim the moral high ground and give those members of the Miriam production team who were brave, stupid or desperate enough to appear on TV a chance to explain themselves.
If you were expecting anything close to repentance, though, you’d come to the wrong show.
Miriam producer Jo Juson almost inevitably blamed everything on the Press, the show’s psychiatrist Dr Gareth Smith tried casting himself in the Sir Galahad role and a crew member called Leo McCrea said, with undisguised disdain: “It’s the very nature of this pack mentality of lads, kind of shaming each other, that made everything go wrong.”
A reminder that attitudes to trans women may have changed hugely since 2004, but the television industry still hates working-class men with all its toxic guts.
RE: Lee Mack’s “Never go to Cockermouth” response to The 1% Club contestant Lorraine Cooper, who said: “I’ve been to the loo in Looe, I’ve drunk a beer in Beer, I’ve worn a cardigan in Cardigan, I’ve had a bath in Bath and I want to do some more of these.”
But surely it’s Fingringhoe she really wants to avoid?
RIDICULOUS, Ranvir Singh: “In 1965, inspired by a Texan pioneer, what did the singer David Jones change his name to?”
Daniel: “Sting.”
Ranvir Singh: “Which 1966 Michael Caine film was remade in 2004 with Jude Law in the title role?” Emily: “Rambo.”
Ranvir Singh: “What name is given to the protruding front teeth of animals such as elephants and walruses?”
Patricia: “Goofy.”
The Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “In which athletics field event do competitors use a long stick, usually made of fibreglass, as an aid to jumping over a bar?”
Laura Jackson: “Long jump.”
THE Britain’s Got Talent judges greeting every single act with open-mouthed astonishment.
Last Week Tonight host John Oliver imagining he needs 15 writers to become the most unbearably smug man on television, when he really could do it all on his own.
Have I Got News For You bringing out the conceited jerk in Martin Lewis.
And absolutely everyone who confuses sarcasm with irony.
’Cos John Lennon and Paul McCartney wrote And Your Bird Can Sing and neither of their two birds could sing.
Now THAT’S bloody irony.
COURTNEY SWEETMAN-KIRK: “The penalty’s down to Martinez’s right, in the top left-hand corner.”
Charlie Austin: “The manager has picked QPR up from the floor when their backs were against the wall.”
And Rio Ferdinand: “I’ve seen fouls, if not as bad as that, then as bad as that.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
BRITAIN’S Got Talent, Lady Grenades: “We really want to bring recognition to the sport of cheerleading.”
Sport? Give me an “F”. Give me an “Off”.
JESSICA GUNNING’S chillingly good performance as Martha the stalker on Netflix’s Baby Reindeer. Bill Maher demolishes anti-Israel protesters on Real Time with his epic “Collective narcissism” speech.
Sky Arts’ superb Have You Got It Yet: The Story Of Syd Barrett revealing his devoted sister Rosemary to be the real hero of the reclusive Pink Floyd star’s life, amid a glut of useless, pontificating, fair-weather hippies.
And the highlight of Britain’s Got Talent, so far, a heckler who picked his moment perfectly as Simon Cowell was weighing up the massed ranks of denim tops and white T-shirts belonging to the Northants Sings Out choir: “I’m guessing this is a . . .”
“Gap advert.”
WHERE you may have seen those Britain’s Got Talent acts before: Part one.
Genevieve Cote, animal impressions, which were also done by her on Canada and America’s Got Talent.
Sarukani, Japanese beatboxing, which was also done by them at the World Beatboxing Championships.
And Kevon Carter, Simon Cowell’s dog howls set to music, which were also done by The Conway Sisters on the second series of X Factor.
MEANWHILE, on ITVBe’s My Family And Me, Love Island podcaster Scott Thomas seeks an answer to one of the 21st Century’s enduring mysteries from Ferne McCann. “What is your purpose in life?” “I always thought my purpose was to perform and make people laugh.” And so, the mystery continues.
GREAT TV lies and delusions. Love Triangle, Brodie: “I think Lloyd definitely fancies me, for sure. I feel like I’m most people’s type, to be honest.”
Hold The Front Page, with Josh Widdicombe and Nish Kumar, below: “Our entire week hinges on a turd.” (Two turds.)
And Death Of A Reality Star: Miriam, Jo Juson: “When we were casting for There’s Something About Miriam, we wanted to try and ensure we had people who had potentially liberal views.” Yeah, course you did, Jo.
THIS week’s winner is the Labour Party’s Deputy Moron Angela Rayner, left, and Liam Gallagher.
