DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER getting my ADHD diagnosis, I hoped my husband and I could get our marriage back on track. But finding sexts on his phone blew any chance of that.
We had been struggling for years because he felt shut out by me and frustrated by my inability to make a decision on anything.
When we finally got confirmation I had ADHD it explained why I was so often distracted and trapped in cycles of procrastination.
I am 37, he is 39 and we have been together for 12 years.
We have two daughters, aged six and nine, and because I can be forgetful, a lot of the family logistics fall to my husband.
It’s been hard for him and I didn’t see how unhappy he was.
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We started to look at coping strategies and I really thought we were working together to improve things.
So I was completely blindsided to find that he has been messaging his ex for nearly a year.
A lot of the recent messages were sexual, which shocked me — he’s never been so explicit with me.
But it was his messages telling her she made him the happiest he has ever been that have broken me.
He says he was lonely and trying to connect with someone because he didn’t feel he could talk to me, but that explanation doesn’t feel enough.
He has apologised and thinks he’s depressed. He wants to fix things and is adamant that he wants me.
I can consider giving us another chance but I don’t know how to begin to trust him again. I want to constantly check his phone, laptop and social media.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You understand why your husband felt isolated and cut off from you.
When we are low, and depressed, it’s common to busy ourselves in other activities and, of course, sexting and an emotional affair provide the perfect distraction.
If you both want to strengthen your relationship, keep talking and being honest – in time the trust will return.
Your diagnosis and the new strategies you have put in place will take time to establish.
If things do not improve, consider couples counselling, which you can arrange at tavistockrelationships.org.
You can also find support for your ADHD through Addiss (addiss.co.uk, 0208 952 2800).
