DEAR DEIDRE: As soon as we separated, I discovered my wife was having sex with another man.
Now I have learned that he is married with kids and I think I should tell his wife that he is sleeping with mine.
I’m 42 and my wife is 41. We have been married for ten years and have a six-year-old son.
She ended our marriage after Christmas, saying she didn’t love me any more.
I was deeply upset as I loved her and wanted my family to stay together.
Because of our financial situation, neither of us can afford to move out, so we are still living together.
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Since our split, my wife started going out constantly, expecting me to stay in with our son. I guessed she was meeting a man.
Eventually, she admitted it. She told me her relationship had started after we broke up, but I don’t believe her.
Curious, I pumped her friend for information. I learned that my wife’s lover is married and that he has small children too.
I’m furious with my wife for doing this. I’m also angry that this man — who I believe has broken up my family — is getting away scot-free.
I think his wife should know what he is really like so he faces the consequences.
Seeing my wife doll herself up to go out and have illicit sex is killing me.
She doesn’t see a problem, as we’re “separated”.
She has no care for this man’s wife as he says he doesn’t plan on leaving her.
Should I ring his wife and tell her the truth?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You are clearly in a lot of pain. Not only has your wife ended your marriage, she is now flaunting her new relationship in front of you.
But telling her lover’s wife won’t make you feel better. All it will do is hurt this woman.
From what you’ve written, your main motivation is vengeance, which is not a good reason.
Perhaps she already knows what her husband is like.
You are still living with your wife, which is not easy.
If you blow up her affair, it could make living together unbearable and untenable.
You need to think about your son, who is already dealing with your break-up.
See my support pack, When Parents Fall Out, for more on how parental discord affects children.
Get your anger out another way. Talk to a friend, write down your feelings, burn some energy in the gym.
Counselling could also help. See my support pack about this.
