DEAR DEIDRE: My wife’s cheating has destroyed our marriage and broken my heart, but I don’t want to wreck our children’s lives by divorcing.
We now live separate lives. She sleeps in the spare room.
I’m 36 and she’s 35. We’ve been married for ten years and have two children, aged eight and six.
We started having problems a few years ago. We were arguing about everything and stopped having sex.
I admit I buried my head in the sand. I was busy with work and couldn’t face dealing with our issues.
After a year of no intimacy, she reacted by going out and having not just one, but two affairs.
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She didn’t even hide them well, leaving her phone around and getting dressed up to go out, then not returning till the early hours.
I think she wanted me to know. Eventually, I confronted her.
After a huge row, in which very nasty words were exchanged — words I regret — she said she was moving out of our bedroom and into the spare room. She threw her ring at me, saying she didn’t want it.
We act like a couple in front of the kids, but once they’re in bed, we don’t speak.
She goes out in the evenings and probably sleeps with other men. I haven’t asked.
We’re basically separated but living together. But I miss her. We were very happy once and I still love her.
Is there any way I can get my marriage back on track?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: The communication has completely broken down in your marriage.
You’re clearly both unhappy but neither of you wants to be the first to break the stalemate.
This isn’t a healthy situation for you or your children. While divorce can be damaging, so can living in an environment where parents are miserable or don’t get on.
My support pack When Parents Fall Out explains more about this.
Burying your head in the sand is partly why you reached this point. If you love your wife, as you say, you need to be honest with her and ask if there’s any way of repairing your marriage.
My support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over it? should help.
It may be that she’s already checked out, in which case you need to discuss a way of parting amicably, so the affect on the children is minimised.
