DEAR DEIDRE: I’M struggling to have sex with my boyfriend in his late wife’s bed because of the shrine to her right next to his pillow.
She died five years ago in a car accident, and we met at a pub quiz.
But I’m not sure we have a future together.
I’m 41 and he’s 44. I normally go for outgoing, confident men.
He’s more quiet and measured, but I found him attractive.
After the quiz we had a lovely conversation together so I gave him my number.
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We chatted over texts for a few weeks and then met for drinks.
We went back to my house and shared a lovely kiss.
But as he was leaving he told me about his wife and explained he didn’t know if he was ready to move on.
I told him it was fine, I wasn’t in any rush, then he left.
A couple of days later we met again and he came back to mine.
This time we had sex — really good sex.
From then on we met regularly — always at mine — and quietly I hoped he would want to start a proper relationship with me.
Three months after we first met, he invited me to dinner at his house.
I was excited and felt it was a real breakthrough.
There were photos of his wife downstairs and I told myself that was completely normal.
But when we went up to his bed, I realised that it was really “their bed”.
Next to his side of the bed, he had set up a shrine to her — their wedding photo, her favourite perfume, her engagement and wedding rings and a bracelet he had given her.
We had sex but I didn’t feel very comfortable. Now I always prefer to meet at mine.
He has told me again recently that he is not ready to let go of his wife’s memory.
I like him a lot but don’t know what to do.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: If this man is not ready to move on five years after losing his wife, you may have to accept he may never move on.
You have a friends-with-benefits relationship, which is leading to you being emotionally involved.
I am afraid the longer you let this drag on, the more pain you are likely to suffer.
If you want to be sure, tell this guy that you’re looking for commitment and will stop seeing him if that’s not on offer.
Then it’s his choice, but don’t hold your breath.
You can suggest he has some bereavement counselling, which will help him move forward with his life.
It is entirely possible to love two people. But until he can accept that, I’m afraid he will remain stuck.
Read my support packs Finding The Right Partner For You and Coping With Bereavement for advice – you could share the latter with him if you think that might help.
