The 20-year age gap between me and my partner never bothered me until I fell for her daughter.
Now I think I’m falling in love with her and I don’t know what to do. It feels like my whole life is about to implode.
I’m 35 and my partner of five years is 55. Her daughter is 33.
When we met, everybody told me I was crazy and it would never last because she’s so much older than me.
People called her a cougar and a MILF and various other insults. Some people treated us like a circus sideshow, not a couple.
But we didn’t care what people said because we loved each other. Age is just a number, right?
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I didn’t care that she had a few more wrinkles and grey hairs than women my age. All I saw was her beautiful heart and her stunning figure.
And when I met women my own age I found them shallow and immature – unlike my wise and interesting partner.
I didn’t mind that she had a daughter who was only a couple of years younger than me. She found our relationship hard at first, but grew to accept it.
And we became good friends.
During the lockdowns, which started shortly after the end of her long-term relationship, she was part of our bubble and spent a lot of time at our home.
We grew closer and started to confide in each other.
Over the last few months, I’ve realised that my feelings for her are more than friendship – and certainly nothing like a stepdad’s.
I am strongly attracted to her and think about her in a sexual way, often fantasising about her when I’m in bed with my partner.
This makes me feel very guilty.
Meanwhile, my relationship with my partner has grown stale.
She no longer has much interest in sex, while I’m still a young man with a high libido.
I’ve begun to think I would like to have children – I never did before – which obviously could never happen with my partner.
Now I feel confused and scared. I love my partner deeply, and don’t want to hurt her, but I think it’s her daughter I want a future with.
I haven’t said anything to her yet.
What should I do?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Think carefully before confessing your feelings.
You don’t know if your partner’s daughter feels the same way.
Regardless, she may say you can never be together.
You’d then have wrecked both relationships.
But let’s say she does reciprocate your feelings.
For your partner, this would be the ultimate betrayal.
She would lose both you and her daughter. Imagine how devastating that would be.
If you are no longer happy in your relationship, you need to either work harder to repair it or break up and find someone new.
My support pack, Torn Between Two Women, may give you more insight into this situation.
