BEING a bit of a coward, I’m disinclined to criticise Graeme Souness, even from a distance.
He frightens the life out of me. As a mate of mine from Stourbridge used to say about a local hard man: “If he says it’s Tuesday, it’s Tuesday.”
So if grizzly Graeme wants to describe football as a man’s game, why would I want to argue?
Well, Mr Souness, sir, while I’m not exactly arguing with you, I do humbly ask for leave to make a few points.
After the match at Stamford Bridge, when he said, “it’s a man’s game all of a sudden now”, I don’t for a minute believe he was saying that we, he, whoever, had somehow got football back after women had taken control of it for the summer.
Neither, I think, does he believe that football “belongs” to men in any sense.
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His meaning was simply that referees have started letting more stuff go and stopped giving fouls every time one player comes into contact with another.
A good fifth of all fouls given aren’t really fouls at all, they’re more about the fouled player winning the foul than the supposed fouler doing much wrong in the first place.
Seething with indignation, Souness later clarified his position on TalkSport, saying of referees that: “They were blowing the whistle all the time and it wasn’t a good watch.
“Our game has always been unique, more meaty, more in your face and more intense . . . that is the kind of football I remember playing in. We’ve got to be better for it.
“The directive to the referees is long overdue, we’ve got our game back.”
Whether you agree or not about last Sunday’s spiteful match at Stamford Bridge being what we want football to be, Souness is perfectly entitled to make this point.
The problem is the phrase “man’s game”.
Simon Jordan, on the radio with Souness, railed at the absurdity of a world in which “a man describing a game featuring men, can’t apparently use the word ‘men’ in conjunction with a game that featured solely men”.
I can’t believe that Jordan, a bright guy, doesn’t know he’s missing the point.
As Souness himself explained, what he meant by “man’s game” was a sport that was meaty, in your face and intense.
He’d probably go on to use words like tough, uncompromising, ruthless, physical and so on. And that would have been fine too.
But suggesting that these attributes are the preserve of men is just a bit silly.
I for one, at home and at work, have had as many women as men in my life who I’d describe — in the nicest possible way — as tough, intense, uncompromising, ruthless and physical. Meaty, perhaps not, but you take my point.
Furthermore, as Souness surely witnessed, England’s superb women players were triumphantly all of the above in winning the Euros this Summer.
To be fair to him, Souness isn’t the only one wrong about this notion of “manliness”, the dictionary definition of manly is bang out of date too. Mine says it means brave, dignified and noble.
Eh? Aren’t women these things too?
So, those professing fury about the fiery Scotsman’s few ill-chosen words might consider chilling out a bit.
And on the other hand, for blokes to suggest this controversy constitutes yet another vicious attack on the idea of masculinity, well they should have a word themselves too.
No one’s suggesting cancelling Souness or slapping his manhood on a butcher’s block.
There’s a simple fix here: Just say something other than “man’s game” next time. Tough game, physical game, brutal game will do the job just fine.
Surely a man of Graeme Souness’s intelligence gets this.
Instead of coming out steaming, all bristling and defensive, he might simply have said something like: “Aye, OK, I get it, no offence intended, lesson learnt.”
That would have been, in language he might appreciate, the manly thing to do.
IT WAS an American politico called Paul Begala who said that politics is showbiz for ugly people.
There might be something in that, but he can’t have clapped eyes on Sanna Marin.
We’re often told that Finland leads the world in education, saunas, various winter sports, wellbeing and even, indeed, happiness itself.
To this list we must now add heart-stoppingly beautiful prime ministers.
I do not demean her intelligence or political acumen one bit when I award her the title of best-looking leader ever in the history of the world.
The video of her going wild at a party has tipped me over the edge.
Helsinki here I come. I don’t even want to meet her – I’d be rendered speechless – I just want to be able to vote for her.
I’M sorry to report that the soles of my feet are very dry.
To address this, I bought some special stuff. The tube carries the boast that it is “The No 1 Foot Cream In Sweden”.
This seemed random as hell to me.
What next, the bestselling deodorant in Portugal? Or Estonia’s leading shoe polish? But I’m told Swedes are known for their skin creams. Who knew?
I’m trying to think of what product might be marketed abroad as the UK’s best. In other words, what are we renowned around the world for being the best at making?
I don’t know what it says about me, or the country, that I can’t really think of anything.
The best I’ve come up with is something for ale.
Whoever’s shifting the most could market their brand as Britain’s No 1 Warm Beer.
EARLIER this week, as I was walking to the shops, some lads in a car recognised me and yelled what I’d describe as abusive banter.
As I looked up, they shunted the car in front. I hurried away.
I now feel sorry for the driver of the car they rear-ended, and a bit sorry for the lads, who possibly meant no harm.
But at the time, I simply thought: “Yes, there is a God.”
Don’t judge me.
EVERY day a new strike is either happening or being called.
I make no comment on whether they’re justified. But I do wonder if strikes really work like they used to. I think they’re losing their impact.
A few years ago these massive rail strikes, and the postal strikes to come, would have caused an almighty stink.
The upheaval and chaos would have consumed us all.
Not, I sense, any more.
Yes, they’re a nightmare for the economy; infuriatingly inconvenient for passengers and costly too for the strikers losing pay.
But somehow we’re taking it all in our stride. This is because of the pandemic, during which the upheaval and chaos was unlike anything any of us had experienced.
Having got through that, we feel we can get through anything.
Strikes every other week don’t seem to bother us.
THE tax authorities in Japan are trying to get young people there to drink more. Yes, really.
Alcohol sales are in decline and so, therefore, is the tax take.
A contest is being launched to challenge 20 to 39-year- olds to come up with ideas to get that age group boozing more.
As an advocate of moderate drinking, I often bang on about how devastating it would be for the drinks industry if we all drank within the Government’s guidelines.
But this is a reminder that it would be a problem for the exchequer too.
So here’s yet another excuse to drink: It’s your patriotic duty.
THE pollster Ipsos MORI has released some fascinating work this week on what makes us most ashamed about being British.
The top three are ignorance of other cultures, drinking too much and complaining too much.
Conversely, they’ve also looked at what makes us proud to be British.
Here the top three are the NHS, our history, and the Royal Family.
These are interesting questions.
If I ask them of myself, my main conclusion is I am proud to be British.
What am I most proud of? Our sense of humour, definitely. As far as I can see there is nobody to touch us.
And the same for our music, another field in which we punch above our weight.
As for what I’m ashamed of, I’d plump for our transport infrastructure.
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The roads, the railways, buses and our airports are all generally shambolic.
Please, no jokes about them – I’m having a sense of humour failure.
