DEAR DEIDRE: I HAD a passionate affair which felt amazing at the time but it resulted in my lover getting pregnant and my wife discovering the truth – and I’m still paying the price.
I am 42 and my wife is 38. We have been married for ten years and generally we’ve had a good relationship. We have two children aged six and four.
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Last year the firm where I work went through a major shake-up. I was worried I was going to be made redundant and put in a lot of extra hours. My wife was fed up and I know I was short-tempered.
A younger woman on my team at work seemed to understand how I felt and we started going for a drink regularly after work.
I told her I was falling for her and it felt like it was something real and special when she said she felt the same about me. She’s 27.
We started having sex regularly. She shares a flat but her flatmates were tactful.
She and I both survived the round of redundancies at work but then she broke the news that she was pregnant. With hindsight I think she hoped I would be pleased but I was horrified.
I just assumed she would have a termination — which she did, though she was very upset by it all. She left the company and our affair ended.
Someone then told my wife about my affair. I don’t think it was my lover.
My wife was devastated and I can’t blame her. She’s not had sex with me since though we still share the same bed.
I have tried to make it up to her so many times but everything I have done or said has fallen on deaf ears. It is really getting me down.
We get on well in other ways and I don’t want to leave because I love her, but how long is she going to go on punishing me by withholding sex?
What can I do to make her see that I am sorry and just want us both to move on?
PARENTS can struggle to help their children stay a healthy weight through their teens without triggering an eating disorder.
My leaflet on Young Weight Worries explains.
For a copy email me at problems@deardeirde.org or message me on Facebook.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sure you do but her trust has been shattered.
Keep telling her you are sorry and regret your affair.
Ask her forgiveness, but point out that you two need to find a way to reconnect, if only for your children’s sakes to start with. All the tension at home is damaging for them.
Do more listening, less talking. Ask her what she feels would bring you two close together again.
Try to start gradually building bridges between you physically – simple things like sitting together while you’re watching TV, kissing her whenever you go out.
Suggest sharing some relaxing massage to help you re-establish intimacy in a non-threatening way. My e-leaflet on Couples Massage explains how.
