IT’S not every day you get the chance to play on a Premier League pitch.
But thanks to Betway, SunSport got to do exactly that.
Even as it stands empty, the giant 66,000-seater London Stadium threatens to chew up and spit out even the most precocious talents.
On this hallowed turf it takes just moments for legends to be born and names to be forged in glory.
“Don’t blow it”, we mutter to ourselves as we stroll through the entrance to this famous venue.
The format is simple: eight teams split into two groups playing three matches with the top two from each group progressing to the semis.
Sitting in the cavernous home dressing room thumbing through the programme, there’s some housekeeping to attend to.
As kick-off approaches, nerves are beginning to show.
One rival player is running around with one sock on trying to locate a missing shin pad.
Others are necking energy drinks and chomping on bananas, desperate for any small gains.
But before we know it, it’s time to head down the tunnel and on to the pitch where the drama unfolds.
With a sharp blow on the whistle from the referee, we are underway.
Nerves swiftly evaporate as SunSport’s star striker Jack ‘Figgo’ Figg opens the scoring inside 30 seconds.
Two minutes later, the Crawley sensation has a hat-trick sending the Red Tops on their way to a 9-2 thrashing of the host team… awkward.
Figg hit eight in total with late call-up Dom Metcalf also getting on the scoresheet.
Greater tests were to come.
Next up, the hotly-anticipated all-newspaper derby against Racing Post.
Oddly, once they spotted the cameraman and professional photographer, three of the equine experts’ leaner team members decided they simply HAD to play as ‘skins’ to avoid a kit clash despite there being ample bibs on site.
The rippling abs poured even more fuel on SunSport’s fire of inferiority and Racing Post ran rings around their flummoxed (and flabby) Fleet Street counterparts.
The tabloid try-hards found themselves trailing when Toni Afoke was skipped past as easily as a podcast advert.
Mike Anstead, serving his time in goal, was nutmegged to make it 3-0 – box fresh Sondico goalie gloves newly acquired from Westfield Sports Direct sparing him no blushes.
The thoroughbreds raced ahead and out of sight, eventually running out 8-1 winners.
Thankfully, no hangover lingered from the previous dizzying demolition.
A stunning team goal ensured a perfect start to the final group game.
Midfield dynamo Harry ‘Cortinho’ Corton linked up with SunSport skipper Will Pugh who left a defender in his wake before squaring for Figgo to slot home.
One foot in the knockout stages, surely?
Nerves were still jangling when Kealan Hughes saw his rasping effort cleared off the line.
But it was merely delaying the inevitable as Kieran ‘from Video’ Benn murked Rodallega flop Jonjo Walsh with a drop of the shoulder before burying a left-footed rasper into the top corner.
“That was a much better performance”, said ardent West Ham fan Pugh, grinning from ear to ear.
“We had a heart-to-heart after the second game where we got thrashed. A little bit more tactical awareness was required and much more discipline at the back.
“But it helped that that Walsh geezer was terrible!”
Next came what always threatened to be our toughest test – Mark Wright‘s team of ex-pros, boasting over 2,000 professional appearances between them, now the only thing standing between us and the final.
The all-star charity outfit set up in honour of legendary Leyton Orient manager Justin Edinburgh who tragically died of a cardiac arrest just weeks after leading the club back to the EFL in 2019.
Ex-Prem ace Charlie Daniels – who racked up 129 top-flight games for Bournemouth – waltzed around tackles and peppered SunSport’s goal with rockets.
The gulf in class was clear as day but we dug deep to weather the storm, throwing bodies into blocks and saves and fighting against the tide until disaster struck.
It happened in a flash – a moment of brilliance from Alex Bruce, son of ex-Manchester United legend Steve and with a fine career of his own, to break the deadlock.
‘Wrighty’ pounced on a loose ball and fed ‘Brucey’ to dish out the punishment, a classy finish curling just inside the far post.
Next, BT Sport pundit and former Peterborough striker Aaron McLean added to his tally of 144 career goals.
It was almost like ‘McLeany’ didn’t notice Anstead trying to tackle him as he rifled beyond Metcalf.
‘Wrighty’ snapped the post in half with a wild effort that Pugh did well to leave.
Ex-Cambridge Utd midfielder Luke Guttridge slammed home for 0-3 and hope seemed lost.
But refusing to go quietly, the amateurs turned it up a gear with the Tika-Taka style that got them to the semis.
A stunning goal from Figgo (who else?), crafted by Benn with a delicious chipped though-ball restored some hope.
SunSport threw bodies forward, dreaming of a comeback, but chances went begging and the star-studded opponents clung on and bagged a late goal to seal it.
The final whistle sounded, echoing around the enormous arena and JE3 progressed to the final where they were crowned deserved champions.
Their crowning football achievement no doubt…
Our bubble had burst. Lofty dreams faded and died. Time for a long, hot, ponderous shower and post-match tea.
As we supped a couple of pints overlooking this immense pantheon, we took heart from each other’s efforts, vowing to return here one day for another shot at glory.
Finally, before heading back to the sad reality of Stratford and the Central line, a toast: “To Figgo.”
Our one true saving grace.
