SI RACHA, THAILAND—Expressing concern over how long the joy ride would last, internet phenom and zoo resident Moo Deng told reporters Friday she was worried a chubbier, feistier pygmy hippo was coming to take this all away. “I’ve sacrificed everything to get where I am—everything—but it will disappear in an instant if some plucky upstart pygmy hippo comes along who’s so fat she can’t even run without adorably tripping over herself,” said Deng, staring at her reflection in a puddle as she ruminated about how just a single photo of a delightfully plump hippo baby eating a watermelon would be enough to bring everything crashing down. “Even the chubbiest of hippos don’t stay on top forever, I know that. When you’re No. 1, there’s always some sloth or otter trying to take you down. Hell, if it happened to [2017 social media star] Fiona the hippo, it could happen to me.” At press time, a zoo spokesperson confirmed Moo Deng was seeking help for abusing anti-growth hormones in an attempt to stay small forever.
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