NEW YORK—Erratically waving a pistol as he declared himself a mayor with nothing left to lose, a panicked Eric Adams took multiple hostages Thursday at New York City Hall, according to reports from inside the building. “I don’t want to hurt any of you, but I also need everybody to be smart and not try to be a hero,” said the federally indicted mayor, the adrenaline reportedly coursing through his veins as he donned a bomb-laden vest and told his terrified hostages to stack more furniture in front of the doors if they didn’t want him to “blow [them] all to kingdom come.” “Good, now everybody lie down in the center of the room, hands on your head. Do it slow! No sudden movements! You, in the red jacket, get up. You’re gonna go outside and tell them that for all these municipal employees to walk out of here in one piece, I need a helicopter with enough fuel to get me to the Turkish embassy. And…and a couple vegan pizzas too, the kind you can only find here in wonderful New York City. Don’t test me, motherfuckers! I’m a man at his wits’ end!” At press time, the NYPD confirmed to reporters that they had safely killed everyone in the building.
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