ALEXANDRIA, VA—Amid yet another season of record-breaking temperatures, a growing number of affluent Americans have chosen to beat the heat by summering on a cooler planet, according to a new report released Thursday by the American Society of Travel Advisors.
Between June and August of this year, wealthy travelers have fled the Earth in droves, with more than 1.5 million U.S. residents opting for extraterrestrial vacations, which the report says is an increase of nearly 80% since 2019. For people with the financial means to do so, renting a condo on Neptune or buying a vacation home on Titan, a popular moon of Saturn, is more appealing than spending the hottest months on the sweltering surface of their native planet.
Among them are self-described “spacebirds” like Mark and Jacqueline Weyman, who summer on Jupiter and return each fall to their primary residence in Hinsdale, IL.
“A few years back, Illinois was stuck in another long heat wave, and I told Mark, ‘I don’t think I can take another summer on Earth,’” said Jacqueline Weyman, 43, who noted that she and her husband were currently enjoying their fourth summer away from the ever-hotter temperatures plaguing the Midwest. “We contacted our real estate attorney, he showed us some Hubble telescope photos of available properties, and within a month we were closing on a five-bedroom ranch just east of the Great Red Spot.”
According to the ASTA report, Jupiter’s brisk, breezy climate is one of its biggest draws. With wind speeds above 300 miles per hour and a refreshing atmosphere composed of 90 percent hydrogen, the gas giant is ideal for those with active lifestyles who want to maximize their time outdoors in the summer.
“On Earth, we had to avoid going outside during the hottest part of the day, but Jupiter averages minus 160 Fahrenheit, so we can play pickleball or jog through the beautiful ammonia clouds near our house anytime we like,” Weyman said. “We never even break a sweat.”
The report notes that while the travel times are longer than more traditional summer destinations like Cape Cod or Lake Tahoe, wealthy vacationers are willing to go an extra 800 million miles if it means getting to stay at an exclusive resort with a view of the rings of Saturn, in a bungalow on the ice giant Uranus, or in a country home situated among the 400 active volcanoes on the moon of Io.
Though destinations within our own solar system attract the most Americans, there are plenty who choose to escape the summer heat by packing their bags and spending a few months on a far-flung exoplanet. At a distance of more than four light-years, the Alpha Centauri system can be a hassle to get to, but visitors report that being off the beaten path has its unique perks.
“I work remotely, so the peace and quiet has been great for my concentration,” said Los Angeles software developer Greg Holbert, who is spending the summer in a rented two-bedroom townhouse on Proxima Centauri c. “I get a lot more done out here than I do in L.A., but it has its downsides too. There’s about a two-week lag over Zoom, so anytime I do a presentation, I have to wait a month or so to get any feedback. And then there’s the loneliness. Knowing I’m the only living organism within trillions of miles can be overwhelming. I feel small, so small. Small and alone.”
“At least I don’t have to worry about wildfires anymore, though,” he added.
For those considering a summer off-planet, Dallas-based space travel agent Stephanie Sammarco recommends working with an experienced professional like herself.
“Unfortunately, there are people who fall for timeshare scams on Venus or Mercury,” said Sammarco, who advises consumers that if a package deal to an exotic planet sounds too good to be true, it probably is. “Needless to say, they aren’t very happy when they touch down and step outside into 800-degree temperatures. But the good news is the number of planets that are cooler than Earth in the summer is practically infinite.”
“Most of my clients aren’t even too picky about where they go,” she continued, “so long as it’s far away from all those asshole billionaires who just want to go to Mars.”
The post More Affluent Americans Beating Heat By Summering On Cooler Planet appeared first on The Onion.
