CHICAGO—Warning that the bizarre proportions of his physique and odd sheen of his skin were clear signs that something must be wrong, health experts from the American Medical Association recommended Friday that people do the exact opposite of whatever Simon Cowell has been doing to his body. “We are not sure what he’s doing, but whatever his diet or exercise routine is, do the farthest thing from that just to be safe,” said Dr. Hillary Cabrera, who noted that the appearance of Cowell’s skin, hair, eyes, chin, and shoulders were a clear warning sign that Americans should avoid at all costs. “There are a lot of weird lumps and flat parts where there shouldn’t be. He’s probably very dehydrated, or maybe he’s drinking way, way too much water? Just look at a photo of Simon Cowell, take your best guess at whatever the opposite of that is, and even if you aren’t exactly right, we’re sure you’ll live a long and healthy life.” Cabrera added that as a blanket rule people should refrain from injecting anything into their skin, because that was definitely at least part of what was going on there.
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