A reader tells Amy that her husband recently told her he wants to deepen his friendship with a younger female friend who he finds "captivating" and "lively." She's hurt and offended by his "proposal."
Dear Amy: My husband of 45 years recently came to me with a proposal. He wants to deepen a friendship with a single woman 20 years younger.
He says she lifts his spirits, is creative, and is a great mom to her children. Their conversations are lively and interesting, and he finds that he wants to be around her more often.
I was flabbergasted and hurt to the core. To me, this is an emotional affair. Because of my reaction, he has labeled me as lacking self-esteem and accuses me of not trusting him.
Am I overreacting to this proposal, or am I being perfectly reasonable?
– Hurt Feelings
Dear Hurt: If it’s a true “proposal,” then you get to say, “No deal. I reject your proposal.”
But I don’t think this is a proposal. I think this is an announcement.
You’ve left out any context, but when you responded to this by revealing your own vulnerability, your husband chose to gaslight you.
In addition to highlighting this other woman’s great qualities, he is by implication drawing a contrast to you (“She’s a great mom to her kids” is a nice touch).
Because now – the way your husband is reframing this – your insecurity and lack of trust is driving him to this other relationship.
People get to have friendships. Married people need friendships.
But the way to engage in a friendship with someone designed to threaten your partner (younger, single, lively, spirit-lifting) is to bring the new friend around and offer to share said friend with you, at least to the extent where it is obvious that this friendship will not threaten your marriage.
This new person sounds quite captivating. You should invite her to dinner to see what the fuss is all about. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if she could lift all of your spirits?
You and your husband could benefit from some professional counseling, which would help each of you to describe what about this particular episode is so important, from your individual and opposing perspectives.
Dear Amy: I am in my early 60s. I grew up in a house with a lot of arguing and fighting involving my older siblings and parents. I dreaded dinnertime. I couldn’t wait to get out on my own, and still hated getting together.
Fast-forward to the past several years where at extended family gatherings my brother and sister feel the need to dominate every conversation with inane comments.
My aunt once said of my sister: “She literally never shuts up.” Interactions that start out as conversations end up in arguments.
What I need help with is that I can longer stand to be at these gatherings with my brother and sister. Sometimes I fake an illness to get out of these events.
I made up an excuse to get out of a recent gathering at my brother’s house, and my brother gave me a guilt trip anyway, saying that I don’t want to be with family.
He’s not wrong, but I don’t want to admit it. I need help dealing with this.
– Frustrated and Sad
Dear Frustrated: The youngest sibling in any family tends to witness a lot. This can lead to a tendency toward peace-making, people-pleasing, or – in your case – a lot of anxiety.
I urge you to find ways to recognize that your feelings and reactions are completely valid.
If faking an illness or making up an excuse helped you to keep your distance from these overwhelming family gatherings, then I’d say to keep doing it – but you also make yourself available for an all-expenses-paid guilt trip.
You are in your 60s. Perhaps it’s time for you to actually state your feelings, in an honest and non-confrontational way.
Your brother accuses you: “You don’t want to be with family!” You respond, “That’s true, because I feel anxious and upset when people bicker.”
If you do decide to attend, always give yourself an escape hatch.
Dear Amy: I was disappointed in your response to “Living a Lie,” who lied that he had served with the military in Vietnam.
He outlined a childhood of terrible abuse, and yet you never mentioned that he should get help for that. You should have focused on his trauma, instead of his lie.
– Upset
Dear Upset: This man is definitely a resilient survivor. Because he was focused on his lie of 50 years, I directed my answer toward that, but you’re right – his childhood was a horror show and I should have recommended that he seek professional trauma counseling.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
