Plus: How do I clean up my co-worker's mess without setting her off?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: For over a decade, we had a close bunch of friends who socialized frequently. Then came Josh and Jenna’s horrid divorce.
We all cut ties with Josh over his cruelty, and supported his shattered wife through cancer treatment.
She beat the cancer, but then spiraled into mental instability — drinking, hospitalizations, etc. One couple in our group eventually ghosted Jenna, saying she was “high-maintenance, too much drama.” Slowly, others did the same.
We are the only couple who still check in, take Jenna to lunch if she’s feeling up to it, bring groceries if she’s not, etc. We are not looking for a medal here; to us, it’s what friends do.
But it incenses me when our other friends occasionally furrow a brow, put on a sad face and ask, “And how is Jenna doing?” I realize that snarling, “Maybe you could call her and find out!” would be impolite.
What could I say that would convey my annoyance with their performative “concern” about our mutual friend they abandoned — without being rude myself?
GENTLE READER: Say that you had lunch with her the other day and offer to share her contact information.
Miss Manners realizes that your neutral tone will only provide a measured level of revenge, but it will do so within polite bounds, and it will take all the fun out of their asking.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a co-worker who consistently spreads misinformation in order to get out of doing her job.
She often makes up policies that don’t exist to try to trick other departments into doing her work (even when that means the work gets done incorrectly by people not trained for it).
In the past, I’ve tried printing out policies and coming to her with physical evidence that what she’s saying is not true, but she gets very aggressive and always has an excuse for why she shouldn’t have to do her fair share of work.
Since we work in the same department, it makes my job much more difficult when I have to explain to others what the real policies are.
I’m unsure of how to respond when co-workers ask me why they’ve heard differently from what I tell them. I don’t want to speak negatively about my co-worker, but she is being untruthful.
She has a significant amount of seniority, and others have made complaints before me, so I doubt she’d face any corrective action if this was brought to HR. And with her aggressive personality, I know I need to be very careful so as not to incur her wrath.
Can you suggest a way to graciously explain to co-workers why they’ve received incorrect information?
GENTLE READER: “My colleague was unfortunately mistaken. I have the policy right here.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
