The founders of "Big Little Feelings" share their tips on tantrums. From keeping boundaries to avoid negotiating or escalating the tantrum.
Courtesy of Alex Stone
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Kristin Gallant and Deena Margolin, founders of Big Little Feelings. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Back in 2020, we were looking for that elusive village that everyone talks about. You know, the one that will give you hand-me-downs, share advice, or just listen without judgment as you recover from that trip to the grocery store where your kid had their 1,000th meltdown of the day.
We're best friends and are lucky to have each other, but we couldn't find much beyond that. So, we decided to create the community we wanted. One that would be honest, relatable, judgment-free, practical parenting advice, and support rooted in science.
Parenting is really, really hard — we know because we have five kids between us (three for Kristin and two for Deena). But what's even more challenging than parenting is raising ourselves in the process. Because amid all those sleepless infant nights and toddler meltdowns, we're growing and changing ourselves.
How do we balance all that? With these seven steps.
Despite what your judge mother-in-law or store clerk might lead you to think, toddler tantrums are entirely normal. In fact, they're actually a sign of healthy brain development. Next time your kid is having a meltdown, remember that you're not doing anything wrong and you absolutely do not have a bad kid.
There's no way to stop every tantrum, but you can prevent some of them. The way we respond can either level tantrums up or dial them down, and our response has an impact on the length, strength, and number of tantrums in the future. You don't have to get it right every time, but taking steps to rethink how you respond to tantrums can help throughout the toddler years.
When we escalate alongside our toddlers or try to negotiate with them, we're only going to make a tantrum bigger. It's like adding fuel to the fire. Instead, channel your inner calm as best you can. Let that calm be contagious. You'll see the tantrum start to dial down.
Yes, we know this is extremely hard. You won't get it right every time, and that's OK.
It's so tempting to try to fix our toddler's feelings, but doing that can accidentally diminish them. Avoid saying things that diminish their feelings, like "Stop crying. You're fine!" or "It's just a crayon! We have a million crayons. Calm down!"
Instead, let your kid be heard, even if it's about a purple crayon being, well, purple-y. Making them feel seen and heard can shorten a tantrum and even stop a tantrum in its tracks.
The biggest hack for preventing tantrums is simply holding a boundary over and over and over again. Over time, your toddler learns that when you say "one more episode," that means one more episode — and no amount of tantruming, crying, or pushback will change that.
This may seem harsh, but it's really kind and loving. Your kid might seem like they want to make all the decisions, but really, they feel safest when you're the confident leader of your home with clear, consistent boundaries. Sticking to those is critical for preventing tantrums.
Toddlers hear "no" all daylong. So, try to tell them yes. For example, when you're saying no more screen time, offer them an alternative like, "It's snack time. Would you like your red or blue cup?"
When you shift to the yes, you're taking the focus away from the "no" element of the boundary, and instead, you're giving your tot a little piece of age-appropriate power.
We've both needed to take intentional steps to work on ourselves as parents. Sometimes, that can happen at home, like when Deana went through a conscious and intentional restructuring of her communication patterns with her husband. Sometimes, you need professional guidance. Therapy has literally been lifesaving for Kristin, allowing her to manage anxiety as a mom. We want to raise emotionally resilient kids, and that means building our own emotional resilience.
