STANFORD, CA—In response to seeing what the pollinators were capable of in the 1991 coming-of-age drama, ecologists at Stanford University issued a statement Monday calling for the extinction of bees after they watched My Girl. “Upon observing the heartbreaking scene in which Macaulay Culkin’s character Thomas J. is attacked and ultimately killed by a swarm of bees while trying to retrieve his best friend’s lost mood ring, we came to the conclusion that the insects are simply too dangerous to be allowed in our ecosystems and must be completely exterminated,” said Professor Anders Lipcot, holding back tears as he explained that the bees should pay for what they did to the “innocent little boy” who just wanted to prove how much he cared for his companion Vada. “While eliminating bees poses risks to our biosphere, at least we will never again have to look on helplessly as some like Thomas J dies of a fatal allergic reaction to bee stings. To think, if there were no bees, that character might still be alive today.” The ecologists added that a complete collapse of global agriculture would be a welcome outcome for a world without that “sweet, blond angel.”
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