CHICAGO—Stressing that the procedure offered affected individuals their best chance at recuperation, experts at Northwestern University’s medical school issued a recommendation Thursday that severely injured people should be placed into some sort of cylindrical tank filled with fluid. “Our data indicate that almost all wounds and maladies can be mitigated, if not outright reversed, by placing the patient into a kind of high-tech metal tank with swirling liquid inside,” said Dr. Kim Lassen, who confirmed that locking someone in a tubelike structure brimming with an unspecified glowing ooze could eliminate illness, bodily injury, and potentially even death. “We expect to see a much higher likelihood of complete convalescence if the tank makes a hissing or whooshing sound when it’s opened, but at the very least there should be mist or fog emanating from inside the chamber, suggesting that freezing is somehow involved in the process. When these conditions are met, the patient should expect a recovery time of between three seconds and several centuries.” Lassen added that side effects, such as the individual becoming a psychopath with superhuman strength or bringing something back with them from the other side, were relatively rare.
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