WASHINGTON—Apologizing for the terrifying series of events that left shocked, confused, and disgusted citizens screaming, crying, and searching for cover, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Daniel Gilroy announced his resignation Tuesday after accidentally playing porn on the nation’s Emergency Alert System. “This morning at 11:21 a.m. EDT, I opened up a pornographic video on my laptop, pressed play, and, instead of sending the audio to my headphones, broadcast it via our national public warning system to over 340 million Americans,” said Gilroy, adding that he was deeply sorry for any fear or panic he’d caused by playing the sounds of a nearly two-minute video titled “Horny MILF Sucks Stepson’s Huge Cock” on all U.S. cable, broadcast television, and AM and FM radio, as well as through thousands of loudspeakers used as hurricane and tornado sirens across the country. “Although I tried to shut off the video by closing out of the tab, muting the audio, and eventually shutting off my computer, my attempts somehow only made the pornographic video blaring across all 50 states play even louder. While I can’t take back the deep moaning, high pitched screams, and shouts of ‘harder, harder’ that resounded across the nation this morning, I can guarantee it will never, ever happen again.”
At press time, Gilroy issued another apology after a tornado ripped through a small town and killed over 200 people who, rather than seeking shelter, were instead masturbating.
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