THE HEAVENS—Groaning to Himself as the professionally dressed evangelists rounded the corner, the Lord God Almighty reportedly locked the gates of heaven Tuesday after spotting Mormon missionaries milling around outside. “Maybe if we turn off all the lights and pretend no one’s here we can get rid of them,” said the Creator of the Universe, rapidly motioning to nearby angels to stop playing their harps until the coast was clear. “Ugh, this is the last thing I need right now. I’m just trying to enjoy a quiet afternoon in My kingdom, and now I’m going to have to smile and nod while these weirdos go on and on about The Watchtower. Or wait, is that Jehovah’s Witnesses? Whatever, same thing. But what else am I supposed to do—tell them I think their religion is bullshit and slam the gate in their face? I wish.” At press time, reports confirmed God was cursing Himself after one of the missionaries had spotted Him crouching behind His throne.
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