PHILADELPHIA—Weighing in on the chaotic events unfolding in one of those Middle Eastern–looking countries, Americans reported feeling glad Monday that ISIS had finally been defeated or something to that effect. “It’s so awesome how those people went in and just told ISIS to get out of that part of the world,” said local man Gino Amaro, speaking on behalf of all 340 million Americans, who reportedly cheered while watching footage of what they believed to be Egyptians “or whoever the gun guys are” storming the Castle of ISIS to stop them from doing bad stuff over there. “We’re pumped that, like, al-Qaeda is now gone forever, right? And that’s good? The people of Afghanistan have suffered enough under that emperor—or whatever he’s called. They should keep this going and do Saddam Hussein next.” At press time, Americans were said to be demanding all the nation’s statues of the ISIS king be torn down in solidarity.
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