SPARTA, OH—Noting that her desires were becoming increasingly less subtle, local man Tommy Hull confirmed Monday that his girlfriend, Bess Glickstein, kept dropping hints about wanting a 17-hectare mausoleum complex. “We’ll be out to dinner or having a drink with friends and any time the conversation turns to end-of-life planning she can’t help but mention that she’s always imagined her final resting place would be inside a massive edifice overflowing with granite and marble,” said Hull, telling reporters that Glickstein could not so much as pass by a pillar these days without reminding him that a pair of 200-foot-high obelisks would be the perfect thing to flank the arched entryway of her burial chamber. “It seems like a day can’t go by without her emailing me the website for a stone mason or metallurgist that she’s ‘heard is great.’ And every time she’s on the phone with her sister, she’s practically yelling down the hall about how acres upon acres of cypress trees would sure help uplift her soul into the afterlife. It’s exhausting.” At press time, Glickstein was refusing to speak to Hull after he had been unable to accurately identify her favorite kind of sarcophagus.
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