FEMA: Myth Vs. Fact
FEMA, a perennial target for conspiracy theorists, has faced an uptick in misinformation since Hurricane Helene struck. The Onion separates the myths from the facts surrounding the Federal Emergency Management Agency.
MYTH: FEMA spends disaster recovery money on sheltering migrants.
FACT: Those funds are exclusively used to buy migrants steak and lobster.
MYTH: FEMA created Hurricane Helene to mine for lithium in North Carolina.
FACT: FEMA’s child slaves already provide the agency with all the lithium it needs.
MYTH: FEMA wants people to vacate their homes so the government can seize them.
FACT: FEMA wants people to vacate their homes so they can set up cameras in their toilets.
MYTH: You have to pay back any money FEMA gives you.
FACT: No, you’re thinking of that man with brass knuckles who’s waiting in the other room.
MYTH: FEMA is run by malevolent lizard people.
FACT: FEMA is run by Deanne Criswell, who manages several teams of malevolent lizard people.
MYTH: FEMA is the most corrupt government agency.
FACT: FEMA’s got nothing on those sketchy motherfuckers at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing.
MYTH: 5G technology was developed by FEMA to sterilize white Americans so imported minority voters could take over.
FACT: FEMA is no way connected to that ongoing FBI operation.
MYTH: FEMA will only assist poor people.
FACT: No part of the government is designed to assist poor people.
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