PORTLAND, OR—Demonstrating an ability to uncover previously uncharted territories not seen since the Portuguese explorer circumnavigated the globe, 32-year-old Nate Sulzer, a modern-day Ferdinand Magellan, reportedly discovered new dining options Monday by zooming in a little on Google Maps. “Oh cool, it looks like there’s a pretty good Thai place a few blocks over,” said the intrepid explorer, placing a finger and thumb on his phone screen and moving them apart slightly to reveal several more restaurants and coffee shops, which appeared before him like the islands of Tierra del Fuego materializing out of the South American mists. Sulzer then told his friends—in manner that recalled the famed 16th-century admiral lowering a brass telescope from his eyes to sketch out his destination on a parchment map before the stunned sailors of the Trinidad—that one restaurant was apparently BYOB. “You couldn’t see it before, but I guess if you jiggle the screen around a little bit, sometimes more stuff shows up. There’s a burger place, too.” At press time, sources confirmed that the employees at a local buffalo wing restaurant were warmly greeting Sulzer and his friends like natives welcoming Magellan’s crew, unbeknownst to the horrors that awaited them.
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