TOLEDO, OH—Saying the man’s hodgepodge of threats, insults, and expletives lacked a compelling central thread, sources confirmed Tuesday that 41-year-old Ed Thassler wasn’t really articulating a cohesive reason as to why the guy who cut him off in traffic should go fuck himself. “I can understand that he’s angry about my driving back there, but his demand that I go fuck myself is sorely undercut by his inability to weave all those curses and rhetorical questions about what the fuck I’m doing into a broader point,” said motorist Brian Henley, expressing disappointment that the man’s surface-level ravings never provided a thorough examination of the claim that Henley drives like a goddamn maniac or anticipated any counterarguments to the assertion that he’s an asshole who should burn in hell. “With some work, he could probably have an interesting argument, but right now it’s coming across as this confused, scattered mess of ideas that never quite coalesces into something that makes me think, ‘Oh, that’s why I should go fuck myself.’ Perhaps if he took some time to reread Aristotle’s Art Of Rhetoric, he could convey his proposal more persuasively. But as it stands, his reasoning remains tenuously substantiated at best, as does his conclusion that I should eat shit and die.” At press time, Henley was reportedly intrigued to see how the gun being pointed at him would figure into the man’s overarching thesis.
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