‘Still Fresh,’ Says Crouching Pete Buttigieg Swiping Finger Across Tire Tracks On Street

WASHINGTON—Removing his aviators and crouching down to take a better look, U.S. Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg reportedly examined a set of tire tracks Mondays and confirmed, with a swipe of his finger across the asphalt, that they were still fresh. “Still warm, too,” said the former South Bend, IN mayor, dabbing his finger onto his tongue to confirm his suspicions that the car responsible for the swirl of skid marks in a D.C. intersection couldn’t have gotten very far. “It was a sedan, four doors, carrying two—no, three—adult males and headed southwest in a hurry. Boys, charge up the e-bikes. We’ve got a car full of irresponsible drivers to catch. No one does donuts in my jurisdiction and gets away with it.” At press time, Buttigieg was seen cursing the sky with his fists after the tire tracks ended abruptly at the edge of a cliff.

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