PHILADELPHIA—Pummeling the hanging piece of meat repeatedly with profanities and jabs, former President Donald Trump was reportedly training for the presidential debate Tuesday by arguing with a side of beef. “You’re a terrible side of beef—maybe the worst side of beef I’ve ever seen,” said Trump, who wiped sweat off his brow from the exertion of shouting down the raw beef, his breath leaving clouds in the frigid air of the meat locker. “Disgusting. The American people don’t want you for dinner. You’re not qualified to serve in the steakhouse. You’re not even qualified to be a burger. You have no marbling, unlike me. Everyone knows I have the most beautiful marbling.” At press time, the Republican nominee was accusing the meat of turning to beef after a long history of being pork.
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