TROY, NY—Showering his screen with balloons and confetti while asking him to confirm the information was accurate, LinkedIn reportedly congratulated local man Steve Romano on Tuesday for reaching five years at his dead-end job without killing himself. “Great job, Steve! You’ve hit the five-year mark without a raise or promotion or even once running a razor across your wrists!” read the autogenerated message from the career-focused social media site, which also prompted Romano’s followers to send stock congratulations like “Never thought you’d make it this long” or “We know you overcame a lot to hit this amazing milestone,” along with laughing and shocked emoji faces. “With zero bullets in your skull after half a decade making no progress toward a better future, your lack of self-respect is really paying off. That’s two years longer than the average LinkedIn user in your position. Sign up for LinkedIn Premium to receive best-in-the-business metrics showing how far behind your peers you’ve fallen so you can reach your full potential as a coward who can’t pull the trigger.” At press time, the ads on Romano’s LinkedIn page were reportedly auto-populating with guns and gas stoves.
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