Sources Allege Tim Walz’s ‘Aw, Shucks’ Persona Merely Facade Concealing True ‘Gee Whiz’ Tendencies

MANKATO, MN—Warning that if elected the candidate would show his sinister true colors, acquaintances of Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz alleged Tuesday that his ‘aw, shucks’ persona was merely a cover for his very real ‘gee whiz’ tendencies. “He may act all gosh-and-golly in front of the cameras, but the Walz political machine has spent years covering up the truth about his ‘Oh, for Pete’s sake!’ personality,” said a person close to the Minnesota governor’s family, one of several sources for this story who asked that their name be withheld for fear of reprisal from powerful forces trying to bury what they described as the candidate’s “heckuva” past. “All this ‘goodness gracious’ stuff is just baloney. Ask anyone around here, and they’ll tell you he’s your classic jeez-Louise politician who has bullied his way to the top of state government by blackmailing his opponents and crying ‘That’s just hogwash!’ anytime someone criticized him. He may have fooled the rest of the country with his finely tuned ‘Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat!’ act, but ‘Holy buckets!’ is who he really is.” When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Harris-Walz campaign denied the governor had ever lost his temper and told anyone to hold their horses.

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