PITTSBURGH—Putting on a brave face and carrying on with his regularly scheduled hoagie consumption habits Friday, local man Craig Landers was reportedly continuing amid the nationwide listeria outbreak to eat deli meat as if nothing had happened. “Hmm, a listeria outbreak? I wonder if that means all the Boar’s Head is on sale now,” said Landers, who stood up from the sofa upon seeing a story about the fatal outbreak and walked into the kitchen to prepare himself his second salami sandwich of the day. “They’ll definitely be trying to offload it now. Unless they do something stupid like throw it all away? My God, I better run out to the store before it’s too late. I’m kind of running a fever, but to be honest, it’s only making me crave roast beef more.” At press time, sources reported a hospitalized Landers was asking his nurse if the cafeteria had any cold cuts.
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