Nation’s White Women Announce Plan To Compare Suntanned Arm Against Brown Person’s

WASHINGTON—Refusing to rest until the true scope of their skin’s melanin potential had been communicated to all those in their orbit, America’s white women announced a comprehensive new plan Monday to compare their suntanned arms against those of a brown person. “Let us be totally clear: Whether you are of African, Latino, Arab, or South Asian descent, or of any brown- or olive-skinned ethnicity, we are fully committed to rolling up our sleeves to compare our suntan against your normal skin tone,” said white woman representative Lisa Brakeman, who pledged to prioritize taking such action immediately upon returning from vacation or any extended period of time spent outdoors in the sun. “As white women, we promise to underscore any change in our skin tone, however slight, by talking at length about how ghostly pale we typically are in the winter months and how prone to freckles we were as children. In some extreme cases, we are even prepared to speculate as to whether our tan could be the result of a distant ancestor of a different race.” Brakeman concluded the joint statement with a solemn reminder of how lucky people of color were to be spared the pain of sunburn.

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