My partner and I have been together for 16 years, and have slept in separate beds — but the same room — for five years. We love it.
Courtesy Roli Jain
Despite our age gap of 22 years, my partner and I fell for each other within 15 minutes of meeting and have been together for 16 years. Our relationship started as sensual, emotionally intense, and philosophically deep.
The conversations we had about our journeys in life, including our challenges, are why we fell in love with each other. As we talked about deeply philosophical topics, we bonded beyond comprehension and have always been compassionate and loving toward each other.
We have not only survived but also thrived through our age gap, extreme financial setbacks, and even being long distances apart for years at a time. Nothing could bring down the intensity of our feelings about each other.
On the contrary, each challenge renewed our sense of companionship and strengthened our self-love and security. And sleeping in separate beds isn't something my partner and I talked about. It happened organically, much like our relationship.
When we met, we weren't as mature or secure about each other and ourselves as we are now. Over time, I realized that when I entered this relationship, I was looking for a lot more in my partner than love and physical intimacy. I was looking for approval, security, a sense of belonging, and something to hold on to.
There were times when I started chasing the definition of perfection in a partner and believed that I must move on until I found "the perfect one." Fortunately, because of our spiritual understanding and conversations, I realized we are perfect in our imperfections. All we needed to do was love each other for who we are.
As a result, we became great partners to each other and better, more complete people at the same time. We still loved spending time with each other but also felt satisfied and secure when we weren't physically together.
Around the same time, about five years ago, we were moving into a new house. This is when choosing to sleep in separate beds became a naturally comfortable choice.
We had been sleeping in a double bed before but realized that our new room could fit either a king-size bed or two full-size beds, so we decided to get two full-size beds. There was something nice about the idea of having a whole bed to ourselves, where we could sleep however we wanted without disturbing our partner.
Two separate beds also help us avoid waking each other up when we go to sleep at different times or stir at night. It made more sense to us than sleeping with our backs to each other in the same bed, which just didn't feel romantic.
Not sleeping in the same bed gives us a sense of physical freedom and mental space — something that we value being with each other for almost two decades. It saves our relationship from feeling forced and compulsive while preserving our individuality and keeping it fresh and playful.
We still love to sleep in the same room and will often burst into long conversations, just like we did when we were getting to know each other. It's refreshing.
We become physically intimate when we feel like it, not as a criterion for keeping our relationship healthy or successful. It also feels like we have become better friends with each other and become established in ourselves as individuals, as we don't need constant physical touch or sex to seek pleasure and approval.
I love our set-up and wouldn't trade it for any other.
