Plus: I found out my mother lied to me about my sister's job.
Dear Amy: A wedding dilemma: My sister recently had a small wedding, and all of our family members were involved and pitched in.
I planned and paid for her shower, our mother made a beautiful wedding cake, and our uncle officiated (he is a pastor).
Additionally, we all gave them shower gifts and wedding gifts, including gifts of cash to be put toward their honeymoon (they had asked for this).
My sister and her new husband just sent an email to our immediate family, more or less berating us for not giving them more — or larger — gifts.
We are pretty shocked and don’t know how to react. We agreed to ask you before we respond.
Any ideas?
— Shocked Sister
Dear Sister: From what you describe, it sounds as if your family should send this couple an invoice.
I suggest that one of your parents should respond in a neutral way, saying that they thought the wedding was beautiful and that they are sorry the couple is so dissatisfied. Then say, “Your demand is really surprising. What’s going on?”
I think it’s possible that this couple has gotten themselves into debt and are looking for relief. If so, they’ll have to be honest about this and find a way to discuss it in a much more appropriate way.
Dear Amy: Several years back, my sister was in a pretty bad place.
She was in her early 30s, still living at home, and didn’t have viable career plans. She desperately wanted to get married and have children, and none of this was working out for her, as she had very little self-confidence.
My mother works for my uncle. She has been quite successful. One day she asked me and my youngest sister if we would be OK if she hired our sister as an assistant, to help build her some confidence. Of course, we both said yes, wanting what was best for her.
The plan worked well. Our sister is now married with three beautiful kids and a gorgeous home. We are all very happy for her.
However, I recently ran into my uncle, who offered me a job. I have no desire to work for him, but while I was turning him down he disclosed that my sister’s salary and bonuses were absolutely absurdly inflated.
More importantly, I became aware that my mother had lied to us about it. (My mother would go out of her way to bring up the small compensation my sister received.)
In this same conversation I also discovered she paid for the two years of college that my sister attended before dropping out. I have paid for every cent of my own education.
I have no problem with my sister, but my mother’s secrecy and dishonesty bother me. When I brought it up, she said that all situations are different, and she never intended to upset us.
She then told my sisters that I confronted her about it, and now my sister thinks I’m upset with her.
What kind of meal is this: sour grapes or an actual beef?
— Dissed Sib
Dear Dissed: It can be challenging for parents to treat all siblings equally, because their needs can be quite different. One child might be a self-starting scholarship winner, while the other needs rehab.
Your mother paid for your sister’s education, and yet your sister dropped out of school. A poor investment. Your uncle greatly subsidized her by inflating her salary. Your mother’s gratuitous lie about advantages given to your sister has affected your relationships.
In my view, your mother should apologize to both you and your sister for even discussing her compensation (her compensation is not your business). But I hope she will convey to you: “Your needs are different, your paths have been different, and I’ve done my best to be supportive, according to my best judgment.”
I’m going to characterize your meal as beef braised with grapes. I don’t think anyone could blame you for reacting the way you have. Now that you’ve discovered this, it’s time to clear the air with family members and move on.
Dear Amy: I love your column and read it every day.
My husband taught me a great way to look at things. He said, “Things in this life are either my problem or your problem.”
I find that to be a good way to look at situations clearly.
— Natalie
Dear Natalie: I agree — but I also believe that in a family there is an additional category: our problems.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
