HOW can you stay close to your kids as they go through the ‘tween’ years?
Parenting author and children’s mental health expert Poppy O’Neill shares her secrets…
When children are young, opportunities for parents to bond with them are everywhere – there’s always a game to play or a bedtime story to read together.
But as they get older, they find their own interests, plus the dreaded smartphone holds a lot of their attention, with social media taking precedence over face-to-face interactions.
Being young now can seem a world away from our own youth, which can make it even harder for parents and tweens to relate to each other.
But it’s worth persisting.
A study last year found that 12-17 year olds who had a strong relationship with their parents went on to have better physical and mental health between the ages of 24 and 32, and also had lower levels of substance abuse.*
Wanting a better relationship with our kids is a no-brainer, but how can you improve your bond if your tween cringes at your attempts to strike up a conversation, or if they are glued to their phone?
Here are some easy ways to bond with tweens – and they’ll still work when they hit their teens, too.
Juggling parenting, work and life means we’re all busy, and it can be easy to put off spending quality time with our tweens.
Focus on quality rather than quantity.
Just a minute or two of our full attention contributes to their “emotional bank account”, says relationships expert John Gottman.
Rather than “withdrawing” and turning away from your child, you are “depositing” by turning towards them when they make a bid for connection.
An emotional bank account grows when you make more deposits than withdrawals.
Even small moments – like your tween asking for a snack or help with homework – can be quality bonding time.
Rice crispy cakes might be a thing of the past, but cooking is a skill tweens will value throughout their lives.
Besides problem-solving and cooperation, it also encourages creativity.
Hayley Graham, a child and adolescent psychotherapist and founder of charity Bounce! Brighter Futures, says letting tweens experiment is crucial to bonding with them.
“Rather than telling them what to do, help them come to their own decisions,” she says.
From finding a recipe to weighing out ingredients and using the oven, let your child try things out and make mistakes, while being there to step in if needed.
Allowing your tween to teach you something new is an excellent way to learn more about their interests.
Whether they show you how to set up a profile on their favourite app, demonstrate their newly acquired make-up skills or give you a tutorial on the latest online game, asking them questions on something you’re clueless about can be a great way to bond.
It allows your tween to be the expert at a time when they often feel a bit lost between childhood and adulthood.
When we let our tweens be the experts, it allows us to speak to them as equals.
These moments can be really powerful.
Exploring fantastical or silly scenarios is a brilliant way to start a conversation with tweens.
Often, asking them questions about their lives can be hard if you just get one-word answers.
Coming up with a fun “What if…” takes the pressure off, invites them to get creative and makes the conversation playful.
If they’re reluctant at first, you can offer your “zombie apocalypse” strategy.
Would you head home or to grandma’s?
What would you pack? Ask their opinion on your planned escape route.
Or you could try discussing how to spend a big lottery win, or how they’d handle becoming famous.
We’re not trying to get your tweens to hate you – we promise!
Research from the US shows that contributing to housework helps children recognise that they are an important part of their family.**
Helping out around the home is linked to better confidence, social skills and even success at school.
You could give your tween responsibility to keep up with one task, like emptying the bins, and make sure they know to tell you when they’re running low on bin bags.
If a subtler approach works better for your tween, ask for their help regularly when you’re in the middle of a task.
Hand them half the laundry pile to fold while you chat, ask them to dry while you wash up, or get them to lay the table.
It all adds up, and being part of a team effort will give them a boost of confidence – even if they’d never admit it!
If getting your tweens away from their screens and out of the house is like pulling teeth, take a step back from the pressure and give yourself a break.
Perhaps money is tight, so a big outing that would grab their attention is out of your price range.
While you might have dreams of wholesome days spent outdoors running around and spending time in playgrounds like they used to when they were little, it’s OK to start from where you are now.
If you can get them out of the house for a short time, count that as a win.
Going to the car wash, eating lunch outside, popping to the shops together to grab some essentials – even the dullest trips out of the house will give your kids a break from screens and a chance to bond with you.
Make sure you give yourself some credit.
It’s natural for parents’ relationships with their children to change and become trickier to maintain through the teenage years.
Even if your child feels like a stranger some days, trust yourself to do your best to connect with them.
“There will always be an element of finding what works and what doesn’t,” says Hayley.
“The most important thing is keeping the lines of communication open, so your tween continues to talk to you as they move through their teenage years and into adulthood.”
It’s normal for relationships to go through difficult periods, especially when your tween is experiencing the rollercoaster of puberty.
Photography: Getty Images, Jo Worthington Photography
Sources: *Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, **Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics
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