Have you and your partner hit rocky waters? A rough patch doesn't mean you have to break up — here's how to use it as a chance to grow together.
When my now-fiance Bryan and I bought a home together at the beginning of the pandemic, neither of us had lived with a partner before — and we found ourselves arguing about everything from conflicting sleep schedules to differing needs for alone time.
The more we fought, the more I wondered whether our relationship had just hit some temporary speed bumps — or if we were somehow incompatible.
But rough patches, which might involve arguing more often or simply feeling disconnected from your partner, happen in even the healthiest relationships, couples therapists say. What's more, you can use these phases as an opportunity to hone in on areas of your relationship that need attention, which can ultimately strengthen your bond.
As for Bryan and me, it took a concerted effort on both our parts to improve our communication habits. Still, we managed to not only survive the transition but actually thrive, due to our renewed understanding and appreciation for each other.
Most problems in a relationship stem from unmet needs, such as feeling like your partner:
To put it simply, relationship difficulties don't always mean you need to break up. To navigate them, you can try these expert-approved techniques that Bryan and I found helpful during our rough patch.
Identifying any unmet needs can help you and your partner get on the same page when working toward change, according to Joshua Klapow, a clinical psychologist in private practice and creator of Mental Drive.
One way to identify your needs involves asking yourself, "What makes me feel most loved and cared for in this relationship?"
Maybe that's when:
You can also use your emotions as a guide. For instance, if you often feel lonely, that might suggest you're not getting enough quality time with your partner.
One useful approach I've learned involves communicating my needs with a statement that starts with "I" rather than "you."
For example:
The "you" statement sounded like an accusation — and even though I didn't mean it that way, it ended up putting Bryan on the defensive.
When I tried the "I" statement, Bryan found it easier to empathize with my perspective and make a pledge to keep me informed in the future.
Scheduling date nights at least once or twice a month can help infuse a sense of curiosity, joy, and excitement into your relationship, according to Omar Ruiz, a licensed marriage and family therapist and co-founder of TalkThinkThrive and Online Private Practice.
Going on regular dates helped Bryan and me remember why we enjoyed being around each other.
For instance, one time he took me candlepin bowling. I struggled to have fun at first because I was self-conscious about my lack of skill, but he cheered me on and guided me with gentle suggestions, which reminded me of his encouraging and supportive nature.
Keep in mind that date night doesn't have to mean dinner at an expensive restaurant, either. Due to a tight budget, we got creative and came up with other fun but affordable things to do, like:
When you hit a rough patch, it's easy to start viewing your relationship through a negative lens. It may feel difficult to identify anything positive about a struggling relationship, but Heard says finding a few bright spots can shift your whole perspective.
Bryan and I tried these two exercises:
Focusing on the positive aspects of our relationship gave us renewed motivation for working through a tough time.
According to Klapow, it's hard to solve an argument when you react rather than respond. Here's how to tell the difference:
When Bryan and I began noticing our tendency to react, we started to break the habit by taking a few deep breaths, verbalizing our internal experiences, and then getting curious about our feelings.
For example, one time he made a joke about how I organized a cabinet. In the past, I might've reacted defensively, but instead, I tried something new.
I told him, "Wow, something about the way that landed on me felt upsetting. I think it's because it reminds me of something my mother used to say when criticizing me. Can you explain what you meant by that?"
My response gave him a chance to understand my feelings and clarify his intentions — before I reacted out of hurt, shame, or anger.
One major technique that saved me and Bryan from spiraling into unhealthy fights? Consciously pausing to calm down.
For me, recognizing the physical symptoms of fight or flight mode — like a faster heart rate — was key, because it allowed me to take a step back before I raised my voice or said something I later regretted.
To be clear, a time-out doesn't mean storming out of the room in the middle of an argument.
Heard advises saying something like, "I don't think I can give this conversation the energy it deserves right now," or "I'm feeling really triggered by this conversation." Then, you can let your partner know you need 20 minutes or an hour to calm down before revisiting the discussion.
After pressing pause, Ruiz recommends engaging in a soothing activity to take your mind off the conflict, such as:
If you and your partner have tried all of the above and still struggle to meet each other's needs, have productive disagreements, or find ways to compromise, Klapow says it might be time to seek help from a couples counselor.
Licensed marriage and family therapists and clinical social workers can help you identify and change unhelpful dynamics and patterns contributing to tension in your relationship
According to Heard and Klapow, some of the best evidence-based therapy approaches for couples include:
If you can't afford or access therapy at the moment, Klapow and Heard recommend trying the following books that contain exercises to try at home:
You also have options for virtual counseling, or teletherapy, which often proves more budget-friendly. Online couples counseling services to consider include:
While Bryan and I considered therapy, we still have yet to try it ourselves. That said, we enjoyed doing the relationship-building exercises on the app Lasting.
With equal effort from both partners, most relationships are salvageable.
That said, Ruiz says you may want to consider ending a relationship if:
Rough patches are almost inevitable in relationships. However, if you approach them as an opportunity for learning and growth, they may bring you and your partner even closer.
"Much like building a muscle, the ability to safely navigate a breakdown builds the relationship up stronger," Klapow says.
Working on responding as opposed to reacting, pressing pause during heated conflicts, carving out quality time with each other, and focusing on positive aspects of our relationship helped Bryan and me to get through a challenging time.
Not only that, but our efforts taught us more about each other's triggers, fears, insecurities, and needs.
If these techniques don't make much difference in your relationship, experts advise getting some extra support from a licensed couples therapist.