It's annoying to have to keep reminding them I'm not straight.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 25-year-old woman who identifies as bisexual. One of the toughest things I’ve had to do this year was come out to the people closest to me.
Although it was tough to have the conversation, when all was said and done, it was very freeing. Since I’ve come out, I’ve had to remind friends and family that I am not straight on a few separate occasions. When I tell them that I’m going on dates or that I’ve started seeing someone exclusively, they immediately assume that I am talking about a man.
It’s annoying and exhausting to keep reminding them. What could this be about? Could they all be in denial?
Denial
DEAR DENIAL: It took you a long time to reveal your sexual orientation to your family and friends. It will take them time to get used to it.
So what if they mistake the gender of your date? Just correct them.
You called yourself bisexual. This means that you are interested in both men and women. Because of this, it is incumbent on you to let them know who you are dating so that they are in the loop. Don’t make it a big deal, just a fact.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a male friend who can be very hot and cold. We’ve been friends for more than three years.
I don’t see him too often, but whenever I do see him, I can never tell what version of him I am going to get. He can be kind, generous and caring, or he can be cold, blunt and irritable. I think that a part of me has just learned to accept his moodiness.
I love him and value our friendship very much, but I hate that he can be so unpredictable. He knows that he can be moody, as he’s apologized for it in the past.
I really want him to work on these parts of his personality, but I am not sure if he’s even capable of that. What should I do?
Unpredictable
DEAR UNPREDICTABLE: Acceptance can be difficult, especially when a person does something that directly affects your state of mind.
Can you ask your friend to check his moodiness? Yes. But know that it likely won’t work.
You know your friend as he is. Perhaps he suffers from mental health challenges. Perhaps he is emotionally undisciplined. Perhaps he feels at ease enough to let his hair down when he’s with you. Whatever the case, you need to decide if you can accept him as he is.
That said, you can also tell him that you expect him to think about you, too. When you get together, ask him to remember that this is a two-way street. Ask him to check on you to see how you are doing and to consider how he can treat you to make you happy. You can also tell him how you are doing when you first get together and request whatever support you need in the moment. Don’t expect him to be a mind reader. Tell him.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
