NOT a chance in hell I was going to be suckered in by the reality show where “anyone can be anyone” again.
No way. Five minutes, max, and that was me done.
Then the Channel 4 continuity woman announced: “Richard Madeley’s going in”, and that was effectively me for the next three weeks.
Glued to a series called The Circle, which could scarcely be a bigger waste of my own and everyone else’s time.
As wastes of time go, though, this one’s pretty much unbeatable.
It’s got a good host, for starters, Emma Willis, who has that happy knack of improving every show she guest-presents or, in this case, takes over from Maya Jama and Alice Levine.
Emma, of course, hosted another famous Channel 4 reality show, which, above and beyond the fact the network has sold this format across the world, is the real reason it is so idiotically excited about The Circle.
Finally, nine years after junking the show, it has a viable replacement for Big Brother and all that comes with it.
A large building, nominations, evictions and a lot of bone-brained contestants who can message each other, inside The Circle, but never meet, meaning they are free to be whoever they want to be.
Among those competing to win £100,000, we’ve got cat-fishing Scouser James, who’s pretending to be a single mum called Sammie (reach for the stars, mate) and Katie, who’s taken on the identity of her own son, Jay.
Hardly ambitious.
The sheer effort of the pretence, though, means the most interesting contestants tend to be the ones who are just being themselves and come with a variety of sob stories and boasts, like “Crohn’s survivor” Georgina; bisexual dyslexic Woody, who cannot wait to tell everyone he’s Zoe Ball and Norman Cook’s son; and Brooke who refers to her breasts as “the goodies”, because they’re the exact same size as Bill Oddie’s head.
Smartest and most interesting of the lot, however, is theology professor Tim, who’s keen to foster the idea he looks uncannily like Robin Williams, presumably to distract attention from the fact he looks uncannily like Harold Shipman. Which may also be the reason they didn’t stick Judy Finnigan in that house. Bad visuals.
You already know who the real star is, though. It’s Madeley, who entered the show, babbling like a madman, day one, with an acoustic guitar and a keyboard.
Deal was, he couldn’t win but had to take on a different identity.
Richard fancied “an 88-year-old woman” (stop it) but the viewers decided he should be a hot 27-year-old blonde called Judy.
The results have been brilliant, not least ’cos Woody has flirted outrageously with “Judy”/Richard, who’s had to respond in kind.
It’s tinged with regret, though. The show where Richard Madeley really should be uniting a fractured nation in joy and laughter is Strictly.
The Circle understands this only too well, so they had him togged up in a motion-capture avatar suit for an unforgettable game of “guess the dance” on Friday, moshing, dabbing and doing a tango that looked like Groucho Marx’s death stagger.
“Forty years in journalism and broadcasting,” he sighed sarcastically, “And the pinnacle has arrived.”
Yes, yes it finally has, Richard. Now seize the moment and get yourself on Strictly 2020. A nation demands it.
David Craig: “Jack Grealish does exactly what he says on the tin.”
David Croft: “Vettel punched through a gap that wasn’t there.”
And Matt Le Tissier: “I love scoring goals but equally almost liked creating goals as much.”
BBC1’S latest Far East celebrity travelogue really should’ve been called Sue Perkins Condescends To Meet Some Foreigners.
But it wasn’t. They settled instead on Japan With Sue Perkins, who went “in search of the country’s soul” by dressing up as a few cultural stereotypes and probably sending children to bed with nightmares in her geisha girl outfit.
If WE did that, of course, “cultural appropriation” would be the least of the accusations made against us. But it seems to be all right here, I think, ’cos Sue’s a middle-class Cambridge graduate who reads the Guardian.
No matter where she travels, Sue also remains ever-vigilant for the slightest hint of sexism and clearly thought she was guaranteed plenty of that at a government-sponsored speed-dating night, along with lots of other stuff tosspots like to describe as “problematic”.
So if you want to see irony squared, watch the moment towards the end of episode two when Sue grandly tells a whole room of uncomprehending dorks: “Formality permeates every part of Japanese culture. Everything’s driven by boundaries, rules and regulations. They’ve lost the fundamentals.”
And then think: “Yeah, what this country really needs is a naked dating show where contestants are judged on the state of their genitals, hosted by Sue Perkins’ missus.”
That’ll drag ’em into the 21st Century.
Netflix’s Top Boy showing the BBC how drama should be made.
The consistently brilliant Good Morning Britain finding the only Piers Morgan impersonator in Japan who wasn’t wearing a wrestling nappy.
Richard Madeley’s cameo in The Circle.
Celebrity MasterChef contestant Joey Essex inventing the “stirotto” (stir-fry/risotto), which looked about as appetising as a pandopsy (panda/autopsy).
And Strictly’s Mike Bushell attempting the American smooth, with Katya Jones, to that all-time Glen Campbell classic Like A Blind Stoned Cowboy.
AMERICAN trailer-trash comedian Vicki Barbolak accidentally locked herself in a pink caravan at the start of her routine on Britain’s Got Talent: The Champions. Then someone from production let her out and the problems really started.
Two minutes into her act, Vicki came to a grinding halt and stuttered: “I . . . I . . . I changed everything I was going to do.” And decided to shove any good material down the caravan’s chemical toilet?
A horribly awkward moment for everyone, though not the first sign the booking process had seriously malfunctioned with this episode.
That was the previous act – Gennady Tkachenko-Papizh, from Kazakhstan, whose “ceremony of sound” went where your iPhone alarm fears to tread, making the sort of random animal noises usually accompanied by the caption “footage courtesy of PETA”.
British politeness rescued him from the silence that should have followed – along with David Walliams, who said: “People are not going to forget the name . . . sorry, I’ve forgotten your name.”
What I definitely will remember about Saturday’s episode, though, is the timely question Simon Cowell posed to the act that followed Gennady and Vicki, Twist & Pulse: “The people who didn’t want to compete again. You know why they didn’t want to compete again?”
Dignity.
Loose Women, Jonathan Ross: “You were really hot back then and you’re really hot now, Janet.”
The Circle, James/“Sammie”: “I’m funny, charming and handsome. And I’m popular.”
And Japan With Sue Perkins, fishing: “Rarely have I felt more useless.”
Oh, come now. Annually Retentive, hosting the Baftas, RI:SE, the Generation Game re-vamp . . .
There must have been loads of times.
Wildly over-the-top praise and scores for Strictly make-weight Michelle Visage. Daytime shows like This Morning promising us an interview with “one of the stars of Friends,” who turns out to be Gunther.
The increasingly right-on Countryfile confusing itself with the very last thing BBC1 needs, a political show.
Nearly all of the characters on Auntie’s woke version of WWII, World In Flames.
But especially the coughing, sneezing little Polish twerp, Gregor, who’s forever giving the game away when the Nazis are circling and really has earned a rejig of the famous heckle at a theatre production of Anne Frank’s Diary: “He’s in the cupboard.”
It’s over to Cape Town, South Africa, tomorrow for the brilliant opening episode of this year’s The Apprentice.
Show starts on BBC1 at 9pm and I can pretty much guarantee you’ll want Lottie the librarian and a few others locked up in Robben Island prison by 9.30pm latest. Cracking television.
Supermarket Sweep, Rylan: “What actress succeeded Claire Foy playing the Queen in series three of The Crown?”
Amanda: “Beyonce.”
Rylan: “Playing the piano is known as tinkling the what?”
Luke: “Strings.”
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “What is the surname of the singer and actress whose debut album was titled Sheridan?”
Adam: “Cher.”
And Rylan: “Which prickly plant is the national symbol of Scotland?”
Natalie: “Cactus.” Kady: “Nettle.” Curtess: “Ivy.”
Rylan: “No. It’s a thistle.”
Kady: “A what?”
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
THE Capture, Charlie to Shaun: “I’d imagine you’d like to know what the f*** is going on.”
Yep.
Sara Pascoe: “Ed Gamble, you’ve got a pretty face. What do you say to people like me who say, ‘You’re just a pretty face’?”
I’d say: “Imagine the outrage if he said the same thing to you.”
But my imagination isn’t that vivid.
