Nissan’s Heisman House is a fictional place in your television where all the Heisman Trophy winners make some side cash by engaging in scripted wit and promoting Nissan vehicles in the process.
Just don’t tell this LSU message board user that.
In one of those “surely that’s not real, right… right?” internet moments that briefly shakes your faith in humanity, an LSU-focused message board user named “Adam Banks” had some real concerns about the logistics of how the Heisman House functions.
You know, like a serious adult would, not like a 3-year-old who still thinks a monster lives under their rug. That’d be silly; this is serious.
His prompt: Will former LSU quarterback and Heisman winner Joe Burrow not living in the Heisman House affect LSU quarterback Jayden Daniels’ chances of winning the prestigious trophy?
“Banks” argued that Burrow wouldn’t be there to lobby for Daniels, compared to past winners in the Pac-12 who all have votes and could lobby for Oregon quarterback Bo Nix.
It’s really too bad that Joe Burrow doesn’t live in the Heisman House. pic.twitter.com/8lnRJwv6FD
— Message Board Geniuses (@BoardGeniuses) December 2, 2023
Now, some people will tell you the Heisman House is not a real place where dozens of former college football players live and solely talk about college football and Nissan vehicles. Those people would be right; it is not real.
Burrow cannot lobby for Daniels’ Heisman chances in the Heisman House because the Heisman House is not a real place. Him living in Cincinnati instead of the fictional Heisman House has no bearing on if Daniels or Nix will win the Heisman trophy next weekend. Again, this is a fictional place, like Barbie Land, Zootopia, Tatooine or North Dakota.
If the Heisman House actually existed, it’d turn college football’s most prestigious honor into a prison where you’re not allowed to live with your families or ever leave to do anything else but talk about college football and advertise for Nissan.
In this instance, how would Burrow have the free will to play for the Cincinnati Bengals as opposed to paying his life debt of living in the Heisman House and working for Nissan? How would any of the Heisman winners? Would LSU fans actually want Daniels trapped in the Heisman House for the rest of his life over Nix? What kind of fate is that for a college football hero from your school?
It’d make more sense for Burrow to fight to keep Daniels far, far away from the Heisman House, lest he suffer the same fate of living in a two-story home with a bunch of other former college football players who can only, again, talk about college football and sell Nissan cars to the people at home.
However, what if “Banks” is right, and this is a Matrix situation where we’ve just been given a choice of purple and gold pills from Morpheus the Tiger? Are we ready to go down the rabbit hole and see what the Nissan robots are doing with the Heisman winners in the Heisman House?
“You know they don’t really live in that house, right?” a message board user responded to “Banks.” They knew that, and we know that. However, “Banks” may not, and some nights, it’s a bit scary to close your eyes and think about who’s actually right. Not like this; not like this. Geaux Tigers.
A college marching band plays “Hotel California”
