AN inexperienced manager, an ill-disciplined team and a delusional board.
A goalscorer who ends his goal drought with an own goal, to complete the club’s worst run of home results in 60 years.
Two goals in eight Premier League matches and twice as many red cards as any other club since Mikel Arteta was appointed a year ago this weekend.
A wage bill 50 per cent higher than the league leaders who are 12 points clear of you and just happen to be the bitter rivals you ridiculed for decades.
A volatile support base, kicking off about two expensive rejects of another supposed rival, while their previous scapegoat is getting sent off for throttling an opponent.
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A creative genius kicking his heels on £350,000 a week while the team struggles to create chances.
A first home defeat by Burnley in 46 years, to follow a first home defeat by Wolves in 41 years and a first home defeat by Leicester in 47 years.
So happy anniversary, Mikel. We’d suggest booking a table somewhere nice, only London went into tier three at midnight.
Still, at least Arsenal’s technical director Edu assures us that ‘Everything is right’ and that he can see ‘a big, big, big and beautiful future’.
As Liverpool owner John W Henry once said, when the Gunners made a bid of £40,000,001 for Luis Suarez, ‘what do you think they’re smoking over there at the Emirates?’
Because whatever it is, we could all do with some to get us through another lockdown.
As Arsenal lurch into historic levels of chaos, Edu’s proclamation of apple trees and honey bees and snow-white turtle doves sounds like another vote of confidence in Arteta.
Chief executive Vinai Venkatesham had already issued one at the weekend, citing the ‘extraordinary’ Premier League experience of a manager with no previous managerial experience and describing Arteta as ‘powerful’ despite his players frequently losing their heads and getting sent off.
The sole voice of reason is defender Kieran Tierney who admits life is ‘terrible’ at Arsenal and that ‘everything is going wrong’.
Sunday’s defeat by Burnley was a crushing new low for Arteta.
Granit Xhaka’s brainless sending-off for grabbing Ashley Westwood by the throat was followed by Mohamed Elneny committing the same offence and escaping with a yellow, then by Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang putting through his own net.
While skipper Aubameyang has gone 11 league games without a goal from open play, Arteta has been boasting about the number of crosses Arsenal have been putting in.
Then Auba scored from a Burnley cross, in a plot twist which suggested that God is both a Spurs fan and a lover of far-fetched farce.
That Tottenham, whose wage bill is dwarfed by Arsenal’s, are top of the league, simply throws the whole fiasco into even sharper focus.
Two and half years ago, Arsenal began life after Arsene Wenger by announcing a brains trust of Unai Emery, Ivan Gazidis, Sven Mislintat and Raul Sanllehi, who would bring collective modern leadership to the Emirates.
When Emery was unveiled, Gazidis spoke of ‘new energy’ and ‘positivity’ and of the sixth-place finish in Wenger’s final season being ‘unacceptable’.
Gazidis soon scarpered, Emery, Mislintat and Sanllehi were all bombed out and those who replaced them have nothing to offer but hallucinations.
Arsenal finished eighth last season, though they won the FA Cup, and currently stand 15th.
Just how bad can it get before Edu, Venkatesham and their paymasters, the Kroenkes, lose patience with Arteta?
Because life is unlikely to get any easier. First, tonight’s visit from Southampton – the anti-Arsenal who punch above their weight and keep getting key decisions right.
Then Everton, who have beaten Tottenham and Chelsea this season.
And after that, Frank Lampard’s Blues, who have palmed off Brazilian veterans David Luiz and Willian on Arsenal, on vast salaries, to help fund the wages of their fresh, young crop of talent.
You wouldn’t back Arsenal to win any of them – and if they don’t, they could be in the bottom three.
It had seemed as though Arteta fancied himself as a disciplinarian when he froze out Mesut Ozil and Matteo Guendouzi, yet Nicolas Pepe and Xhaka hardly acted with restraint with their ridiculous recent dismissals.
We used to harp on about Arsenal’s red cards during Wenger’s early years.
The Gunners picked up 12 reds in 2001-02, yet won the Double.
That Patrick Vieira-inspired team had the right kind of mettle. This lot are a rabble.
And everyone can see it, except those ‘visionaries’ in the Emirates boardroom.
