THE BABYLON BEE — MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Democrat Vice-Presidential candidate Tim Walz has just added another distinguished award to his already impressive military resume. According to sources, the battle-hardened veteran awarded himself a Purple Heart after his motorcade was involved in a fender bender yesterday.
While sources say that the incident was “relatively minor,” as Walz had accidentally bumped into a parked car, the Minnesota governor decided it was a good enough opportunity for him to spiff up his military career just a little more.
“I, Tim Walz, for my outstanding bravery and courage in the face of suffering slight back pain as a result of rear-ending another person’s parked car, do hereby award myself the Purple Medal for Distinguished Valor or something,” Walz reportedly intoned, gazing balefully at the damage with his best grizzly veteran’s face. “In recognition of my service, I would like to offer myself my sincerest congratulations and best wishes. Science bless America. Communism is the answer. Thank you all.”
