From severed heads and bloody streamers to “the individual.”
Are you happy to be in Paris? Oui! The 2024 Olympics have made their way to the French capital, and everyone’s asking the same questions: “Will anyone be able to beat Simone Biles?” Probably not. “Will Sha’Carri Richardson be fabulous?” Undoubtedly. “Will the swimmers who are forced into the Seine die of dysentery?” Uhhh … keep watching. Below, find our continually updating highs, lows, and whoas from the entirety of the 2024 Paris Olympics, from the Lady Gaga–featuring Opening Ceremony all the way through to the final podium.
HIGH — “The Individual”
TikTok is always warning me not to venture into the Paris catacombs without a guide, but the beginning of the Opening Ceremony sent precocious children to run down there unattended. These Stranger Things enfants end up running into a Phantom of the Opera–esque figure beneath the Paris streets, who rows them (and then turns on the boat’s motor to go faster) all the way down the Seine to help them get the torch to the bigger torch they have to light to start the games. Eventually, though, the phantom (whom the announcers kept referring to as “the individual”) ditched the kids to parkour the torch all over Paris. So don’t go down there if you’ve got a torch you need to hang on to! —Anne Victoria Clark
LOW THAT BECAME A HIGH IN CONTEXT OF THE LARGER DANCE PIECE — The totally unrehearsed cancan.
What at first seemed like a very rickety version of the cancan suddenly gained new context as the show continued into a grand citywide interpretive dance celebrating the re-construction of the Notre-Dame cathedral. It seems like the cheesy costumes and clumsy choreo were intentionally designed to mock audience expectations of French culture, because there is nothing quite as French as a vicious taunting. —A.V.C.
HIGH — The other “no rehearsal” performance
Don’t tell Lady Gaga the words “Paris, France” and not expect a salute to the very idea of being French. The pop star performed a number alongside a bunch of twinks carrying big pink poofs, because that’s just how she rolls. Remember, this is a woman who has a movie coming out later this year with the subtitle Folie à Deux. The commenters noted that she had little rehearsal time, but remember that she is a theater kid: The harder the situation, the harder she tries. Oui, Gaga! —Jason P. Frank
WHOA — All those boats.
Instead of making the athletes walk around a stadium for the Parade of Nations, the athletes crammed onto boats of various sizes to cruise down the Seine in the pouring rain. Had it not been raining, this might’ve been a high, but this bold choice ended up making it all the more difficult to see the athletes’ outfits! Still, it was a fun change of pace, and some of the boats were really pretty. —A.V.C.
HIGH — Severed heads and blood streamers, of course.
What better way to remind the world that you’re the country that started the trend of beheading your own monarchs than with a heavy-metal version of the revolutionary anthem “Ah! Ça Ira,” performed by metal band Gojira and opera singer Marina Viotti? Did we mention they performed in front of a bunch of beheaded women, holding their own severed heads? Did we mention there was an explosion of red streamers, clearly symbolizing blood, that shot up at the end? Oh, also, this entire performance was done outside the Conciergerie, a castle and former prison where Marie Antoinette was actually held before her execution. History — it’s so metal! —A.V.C.
LOW — The weather forecast.
Paris predictably brought the drama, in this case by having drenching rain during the ceremony that made everyone so, so wet. It’s really hard to overstate how wet everyone was, and the NBC cameras simply were not ready for the wetness. Many, many shots were obscured by big fat raindrops covering the camera lenses. And as if the sky wasn’t moistening the proceedings enough, the Seine itself was at various points shooting water into the air via fountains, which added to the sense that we were trying to peer at the athletes through a maelstrom. —A.V.C.
WHOA — Don’t tell anyone, but there’s a threesome happening in the library.
The French are famously the horniest people in the entire world, and it was clearly important to them that, in the face of the American sports throuple in Challengers, they keep up by showing off an MMF sports threesome of their own. They more than managed, sneaking a hot moment of trio sensuality into the opening ceremony. —J.P.F.
HIGH — Thinking you know all the words to the French national anthem.
One thing to know about France is that, as far as national anthems go, it has one of the best. “La Marseillaise” is a rousing, catchy tune about spilling the blood of your enemies on a battlefield and putting “invented kings” in chains, and the opening ceremony featured an operatic performance of it by Axelle Saint-Cirel from atop the Grand Palais des Champs-Élysées dressed like Marianne herself. This almost called me to arms, and I hate arms! —A.V.C.
HIGH — A walking piece of art.
Pop icon Aya Nakamura, dressed like an actual work of art, performed a mash-up with the Republican Guard on the Pont des Arts. This is the one and only time the proceedings merited a truly enthusiastic: Ooh la la! —A.V.C.
LOW — Sororité, sweetie.
France decided to atone for not having very many statues of famous French women by having some statues of famous French women rise up from the Seine, as the announcers explained these statues will apparently be “offered” to the city. No word on whether the city will take them up on this offer! Anyway, that was it! That was the whole segment! Okay??? —A.V.C.
HIGH — Trè chic!
A high? More like high fashion! The chicest city in the world showed off its fashion bona fides via a runway, which included Drag Race France host Nicky Doll. J’adore Nicky Doll! —J.P.F.
LOW — Why is France hiding its rap from us?
Anyone who watched Carrie Bradshaw go to Paris knows that French rap actually rules. But this cultural highlight got exactly one moment in the Opening Ceremony, where rapper Rim’K — who was not even identified to the television audience — did a short performance alone. This could’ve been so much more! —A.V.C.
HIGH — The majestic gray horse.
Clip, clip, clomp, clomp went the pretty gray horsey as it led the flags of the world down the street with its big beautiful eyes! I wanna kiss it on the FACE! —A.V.C.
HIGH — Céline Dion singing her heart out.
No, I absolutely wasn’t chopping onions. My eyes are wet because of Céline “Icon-for-All-Time” Dion closing out the ceremony under the Eiffel Tower. Dion has been battling stiff person syndrome, rendering it very difficult for her to do the thing she loves most in the world: perform. Watching one of the great voices of all time sing despite her illness was the absolute high of the ceremony, and perhaps one of the highs of Olympics of all time? Sorry, it’s hard not to be dramatic when influenced by a grande dame. —J.P.F.
Related
