Earlier this year, I worked with a coaching client who was struggling with sex in her marriage. There was a tension between her and her husband each time he wanted to have sex. She rarely found herself in the mood to participate and had slipped into a pattern of obligatory and unenthusiastic sex with him.
She wanted this to change, and in one of our sessions she confessed that, after having her first child, she didn’t know who she was as a sexual person. That, in fact, she really had never considered her own sexual needs or desires and didn’t know how to be “sexy.” When I asked her if she had noticed any times when her sexual interest was piqued, she quickly answered: “Do you watch Bridgerton?”
[time-brightcove not-tgx=”true”]My client’s interest in the show—which was adapted from the immensely popular Julia Quinn historical romance book series, including the New York Times bestselling installments The Duke and I and The Viscount Who Loved Me—helped us both to understand what she found sexy. We discussed the romantic setting, the focus on courtship, and how she was drawn to the tension that was created when two people’s sexual desire for each other had to be tempered due to societal decorum. It was a different kind of tension from what she felt in her marriage, and she finally had a way to describe how it was different. She needed to feel less needed and more desired, a subtle but important distinction. She didn’t want to just play a role in her husband’s desire, she wanted him to take an interest in hers, even if that meant planning intentionally romantic dates. And she decided to look into more Bridgerton-like books to help get her in the mood when they had date nights.
It’s a truth universally known that romance novels provide an important window into our desires, sometimes stoking them and helping us connect to our unique longings. And these days, modern romance novels have been shaped by such diverse voices that we now have a genre that is as elegant and engaging as it is smutty—and as imaginative as it is reflective of the deep romantic lives of people today.
Read More: Romance Novels Are Literature
Romance novels can help boost responsive desire, which is when our minds get turned on and then create sexual arousal in our bodies. This differs from spontaneous desire, which occurs when we randomly feel the desire for sex in our bodies first. Romance novels help people get into a mindset that is conducive to engaging in sex, either solo or with a partner through their imaginations. That’s why reading or listening to a tale of a young woman being romantically torn between the steadfast love of a werewolf and the achingly dangerous seduction of a vampire, could be just the thing to ignite your sex life (I’m looking at you, Twilight). You are transported out of the predictable patterns of everyday life and into a story whose sole purpose is to bring two (or more) characters together through love, longing, lust, and desire. It switches on a part of us that often gets dulled by having to compartmentalize our love lives in favor of more pressing matters.
More importantly, romance novels allow our brains to exist in worlds that are hopelessly romantic, erotic, and safe to explore. That headspace creates the perfect conditions for sexual interest, especially when you find novels that speak to who you are and the themes you find stimulating. Over time, I’ve compiled a list of romance novels and short stories to share with my clients who need something to help their responsive desire. Many of them mention that porn is of no interest to them because they can get turned off by what they see, or the actions depicted just don’t arouse them. We discuss what they fantasize about or what has turned them on in the past. Having this knowledge is a great jumping off point for knowing what will instigate responsive desire. Whether it’s themes of forbidden love or interplanetary star-crossed lovers, knowing what specifically fuels your interest in sexual connection can help you select romance novels you’ll love and avoid ones that don’t meet your needs.
Desires are incredibly complex and the amount of subgenres within the romance genre reflect this. There’s everything from classic romance and romantic comedy to dark romance and paranormal romance. There are now more romance novels centering people of color, LGBTQIA+ people, and people with disabilities. And the tropes include everything from “meet cutes” and “love triangles” to “enemies to lovers,” all universal themes that gain specificity from the perspective of their authors. This wide range of subject matter and relationship dynamics benefits from the recent attempts to diversify the books landscape, as well as the publishing industry. With more diverse voices come more diverse love stories. This is so important for readers who have historically been left out of romance novels. Reading about characters who have the same cultural practices or who resemble you, further intensifies how much you identify with the characters and all of the emotions they express on their quest for love. Books like You Made a Fool of Death With Your Beauty by Akwaeke Emezi, which features a Black female protagonist who is widowed and finds herself in a queer relationship, show the complexities of identity and romance and open the door for new romance readers to reap the sexual sparks they ignite.
Read more: The 50 Best Romance Novels to Read Right Now
Romance novels are a place to both escape reality and dive deep into something so real we can feel it in our bodies. Stories of love and longing are universal, but how they are felt depends on how that love is constructed by the author. When we read romance novels that speak directly to who we are, or who we want to be, it allows us to become the characters and live through their stories. It also helps us know ourselves more by highlighting aspects of love that are particularly important to us.
The state of romance novels today is such that anyone can find something that resonates with who they are and how they want to explore themes of love, sex, desire and belonging. These books are valuable resources for anyone who has struggled to understand how to tap into their sexual curiosity, or who needs a break from the rigors of day-to-day life (or dating!) to enjoy stories of romantic entanglements. There’s so much more to the genre than bodice-ripping, though that’s a steamy part of it. The stories may take place hundreds of years ago or thousands of years in the future. But the feelings are timeless.
