DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband accuses me of being jealous if I question his dodgy friendship with a real tease.
I’m so uncomfortable about their supposed platonic relationship but he dismisses me, saying he can be friends with whoever he wants.
I am 44 and my husband is 47. We have been married for 15 years.
This so-called friend has given him lap dances and he has bought her lingerie in the past.
In the last year she invited him over to her house and I know he went.
They have eaten out and attended gigs together.
He tells her he loves her and they have cuddled. But he tells me she only likes him as a friend.
My husband and I are in a kink relationship (I’m the submissive and he’s the dominant) but we are supposed to be monogamous, it isn’t an open relationship.
The way he behaves doesn’t reflect this. He has never once told me about them meeting up.
Still, I caught him out a year ago. My gut instinct told me he was up to something and I checked his phone.
Sure enough there were messages from this woman arranging to meet.
I confronted him but he refused to admit he’d done anything wrong.
I have evidence it’s happening again but I know he’ll simply dismiss me again.
He said he didn’t tell me before because he knew I wouldn’t like it.
Now he has just been made redundant and I know he is anxious.
I don’t know what to do or say to him without sounding angry.
I found out they were still meeting from a person who used to be friends with this woman.
This mutual friend confided in me that this woman had been boasting about luring a married man away from his wife.
She said that even though we were kinky, she could give him more thrills.
I don’t understand how she feels this is OK when she knows how I feel.
I am so hurt, angry and sad. How should I deal with this?
DEIDRE SAYS: Whether you are in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, good communication is key.
The hurt you are feeling stems from knowing your husband is being dishonest with you.
Without trust your relationship is under serious threat and he needs to be honest with you for any hope of a future.
Pick a moment when you are calm and tell him that he has hurt you. Tell him how unhappy you are.
If he wants to continue with your relationship, you will both need to re-establish clear boundaries about what is and what isn’t acceptable as a starting point.
My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you both.
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