THE days of pinky promises and friendship bracelets may be a distant memory, but losing a friendship can make us feel like we’re back in the playground – hurt, confused and lonely.
Research has revealed that up to 70% of friendships dissolve after seven years, which is a pretty sad statistic.*
“Friendship break-ups can happen for various reasons,” says dating and relationship coach Vicki Pavitt.
“It could be a case of naturally drifting apart as our priorities and lifestyles change. Major life transitions, such as moving or starting a family, can shift friendship dynamics and make it harder to maintain the same level of connection.”
And yet, society typically teaches us that friends “last forever”, which can leave us questioning if we did something wrong.
“Friendship break-ups often feel more painful than romantic splits,” Olivia Petter, journalist and author of Gold Rush explains.
“Romantic partners come and go, but friends are supposed to be a constant. As a result, we’re less adept at having conversations when they end. But it’s very normal for friends to drift in and out of our lives.”
Not all mates are worth clinging on to, either.
The Mental Health Foundation found that of those who’ve experienced a toxic friend, 68% said it affected their mental health.
We asked the experts how to navigate a platonic break-up, plus what we can do to help limit the collateral damage.
In her book Friendaholic: Confessions Of A Friendship Addict, Elizabeth Day describes the feeling of losing a friend as “a slow-motion grief, unlike any other I had ever experienced”.
While we have some kind of template for heartbreak, we draw a blank when it comes to a platonic break-up.
The reason for this may be because of the foundations on which both are built.
“In a long-term romantic relationship, we often show our worst side to our partner, because there’s a foundation of love to support a bit of bad behaviour,” writes Elizabeth.
“The majority of friendships are not like this – personally, I would never dream of acting up in any way that could threaten the delicate ecosystem of platonic love.”
It’s this fear of judgement or whispers behind our backs if we put a foot wrong that can make a situation with our mates seem more fraught.
“In friendships, we may tend to shy away from showing our more vulnerable or ‘difficult’ sides, because we don’t want to rock the boat,” says Vicki.
“However, over time, this lack of honesty can create tension, which can lead to a breakdown in communication and weaken our bond.”
When a friendship falters, a conversation may be needed, regardless of how uncomfortable it might be. But if you choose to confront the situation head-on, Olivia says timing is everything.
“Don’t broach the subject in the middle of an argument, or if one of you is going through something tough,” she says.
“Make sure both of you come to the discussion calm and collected. Do it in person (so much gets misunderstood over text) and take the time to listen to one another without interrupting, explaining or defending.
“Hopefully, together you can reach a mutual understanding and move forward, whether that’s as friends or giving each other some space.”
A resolution might not always be obvious. If things get a little heated, step back before the damage becomes irreversible.
Vicki says: “It’s OK to take a break or end the conversation if it’s no longer feeling productive.”
For some, there’s no need to resolve a break-up if two mates have grown distant – but sometimes the hardest goodbyes are those without any explanation.
“It’s worth considering whether a conversation could bring clarity or closure,” says Vicki.
“Sometimes, the act of addressing the distance between you can lead to understanding and rekindling of the connection. However, not all friendships need a formal ending – some do naturally fizzle out as we grow and change.”
If some time has passed, when wounds have healed and memories leave you longing for your friend, be prepared that they may have moved on – or might not have wanted to have a conversation in the first place.
“Being ghosted by a friend when you were hoping to rebuild the relationship is incredibly painful,” Vicki adds.
In this instance, healing comes from within, with the support of others and time – much like a romantic break-up.
“Work towards accepting their decision and lean on your support system for much-needed comfort and reassurance,” says Vicki.
“Prioritise self-care and remember that being ghosted is never a reflection of your worth.”
Splits between mates can sting for months, even years.
But learning from them and setting new boundaries could be the difference between a fleeting acquaintance and a friend for life.
“Moving forward, when you meet a new friend, think about if certain subjects will be off-limits given your polarising views, or how much you’re willing to share with them to begin with,” says Olivia.
“Then there are other key questions to consider, such as: How do you like to communicate, and how often? Do they align with these needs or do you need to be flexible? Do you have some friends that are better at talking about certain issues than others?”
When you know where your boundaries are, you’ll feel more clear-headed and capable of honesty when conflict arises.
“Being honest about your limits can help to prevent future misunderstandings and conflicts,” says Vicki.
“Many people think boundaries come across as cold or mean, but it’s actually generous. It provides your friend with the opportunity to know you on a deeper level and respect your limits, and it ultimately allows you to give more to the friendship.
“Boundaries ensure that your interactions are sustainable and mutually fulfilling.”
