DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I started finding women’s underwear hidden around the house, I was convinced my husband was cheating on me.
He had been acting off with me for weeks, so I wasn’t all that surprised by the discovery.
Yet when I confronted him he assured me that I’d got it all wrong and that he had a secret fetish. Now I don’t know how to feel. Should I be appalled or relieved?
I’m 43 and my husband is 47. We’ve been married for seven years after meeting online ten years ago.
We’ve always been so close but now it feels like I’m married to a complete stranger – someone with weird sexual preferences.
He’s a big guy who loves weight lifting. I was looking for his bluetooth speakers in his gym bag when I first discovered a pair of lacy women’s knickers.
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Then I found three more pairs of women’s pants at the back of his sock drawer – all different sizes and styles.
Seriously rattled, I went through his phone whilst he was asleep. I expected to find text messages but to my surprise, I discovered email confirmations of his underwear orders.
Soon after, I demanded to know what was going on.
He quickly admitted he’d been buying women’s underwear because they turned him on but tried to reassure me it was just a harmless kink.
Ever since I’ve not been able to look at him the same way and have avoided sex ever since..
I’ve tried my best to forget about it but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit freaked out.
How do we move past this?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sure you both would love more than anything to just move on and forget it happened, but unfortunately this can’t be ignored.
Fetishes are often part of who someone is, therefore it may be unrealistic to demand he stops outright.
You both need to discuss what his fetish means to him, can he compromise, does he need to participate, can you still envisage a future?
I would strongly recommend you both go and see a sex and relationship therapist who can help you to work through what this kink might mean for your relationship.
While some men simply enjoy wearing women’s underwear from time to time, for others it is a sign of a deeper rooted need to dress as women permanently.
Please contact COSRT (Cosrt.org.uk) who can connect you to a reputable counsellor.
